Azula's Mentor
by Tamerlan Pahlavi
Summary: Azula has escaped her prison but not her demons. Desperate and on the run she meets a man whose unique personality, past and attitude to life will change her forever. Will she find the love and acceptance she craves? It features Buddhist ideas and philosophies adapted to the Avatarverse, Romance, Meditation and an unusual Redemption. Story within a story (Mentor appears chapter 3).
1. Azula's New Student

"You're trembling." Azula noted about the girl sitting on her knees before her.

The newcomer sat in the center of the room, surrounded by a semi random assembly of already established students, curiously looking at her. Though, their discipline, training and sheer decency prevented them from glaring too obviously. Something about the entire situation fondly reminded her of her old life. There she was, clad ceremoniously in long and elegant orange and red robes, sitting on a throne, looking down, enjoying more genuine authority and respect among her small kingdom than Zuko in his large one, despite technically ruling on his gracious sufferance. The only thing throning above her was a huge portrait of Guan Yin, the goddess of compassion.

Compassion.

Once an utter mystery, now her greatest weapon. It would have stayed one hadn't it been for old Hakuin, or Lao as he called himself, her second father, now only fondly and longingly remembered the way her real father was.

"I'm, I'm..." the girl stuttered. Moments dragged on without her being able to continue.

"Zhurin. Yes, I'm aware of your name. I had a good friend once who had the same one as you, long ago."

She paused.

"What I want to know is why you are here. Why did you traverse the long road to see me in this remote place? Or did you want to see the portraits? They were painted by my old teacher in his last days, unsurpassable, really."

The girl was just looking at her with wide eyes. Azula pondered. How can I make this beautiful little doll speak. She didn't have to wonder for too long however. Zhurin finally bowed down her head and cried out.

"I'm afraid. I'm here because I'm afraid. I'm so scared. Scared all the time and hate it. I hate myself for being so anxious, so timid, so useless. My... my... my parents sent me to the hospital after my boyfriend left me. I don't want to go back there, you are my last chance. I know you only teach the very select but please. I might not have worth, I failed school because I was too scared of going there but please. You are my last hope. I will do everything in my power to absorb your teachings, great and wise mother. Please take me in."

By the time she was done, she was in tears.

"Fear has the power the make you feel completely alone in the world, doesn't it?"

"Yes. I feel there is no one more pathetic than me."

"Don't be so proud of such an honor."

"I'm not proud, I'm just pitiful."

"No, you are not. There are world apart between pity and compassion, between what the ignorant give and what the great mother and her disciples teach. You came here for the latter and that's what you will receive... sister Zhurin."

The girl looked up at Azula again with an unbelieving stare.

"Truth be told. Every time a new student comes, I'm afraid. Afraid I will fail her."

"But, but, I heard your teachings are perfect. That you are perfect."

"And the more I succeed the more afraid I am to break the record. You will not fail because I have no intention of failing you. Therefore, it's time you get up. Sister Wu will show you your room and introduce you to everyone. You are expected to be on time for dinner. Before you are initiated you will have to undergo training. You will need to know how to keep this sanctuary in good order. Be ready to wake up with the rise of the sun every morning. Understood?"

"Yes. I understand." she said with a huge smile.

"I hope you are not deathly terrified of messing up housework."

Zhurin's smile quickly and noticeably vanished. The next instant one appeared on Azula's lips.

"You know. You might not believe it now but one day your demons will be your friends. Right now, for example, your fear. Remember, the thing to be most afraid of here is my displeasure and I will be very displeased if you don't at least try. Remember that and you will be able to face the all the cleaning tasks expected of you."

Zhurin nodded timidly.

"Dismissed. You can go now. I wish you a good night."

And so the new student left, attended by sister Wu while Azula remained with her most senior students to discuss matters of administration.


	2. First Friendship

After a quiet meal in the cantina Zhurin found herself in her new room. There were four simple yet comfortably looking beds, on one of them was a girl around her age, sitting cross legged, eyes closed.

"I...I... I didn't want to disturb. I'm sorry." Zhurin muttered apologetically. The girl opened her eyes and smiled warmly.

"Not at all. Meditation is important, but not as important as people."

Zhurin was somewhat dumbfounded but relieved. She never heard such a statement from her fellow students at school or teachers about any matter of training and learning. Unsure how to respond she froze silently.

"I was expecting you. Mother Azula told me to take care of you and explained me to you your situation. She wants to speak to you tomorrow before the formal sitting begins. Oh, and pardon my manners, I'm Karuna."

"Karuna." Zhurin finally said. "I never heard such a name before. What does it mean?"

"Joy for others. I used to be severely envious of other people and their happiness before I came here. Azula thought me how to find happiness in the fact that other people are happy. It was extremely difficult for her as it was for me but it became easier over time until it feels now natural. That's why she thinks I can help you with training."

"I'm happy that you are happy." Zhurin said, with an ease that surprised her. These women truly do seem different than the girls she used to be surrounded by.

"Thanks... I know that you are afraid and anxious, maybe even towards me and I don't want to dismiss it. Coming here proves that you take your issues seriously. So, if you have any questions, about me, Azula, the teaching, ask them when you feel ready."

"How did you do it? How did she do? I mean, I heard Azula was a much different person in her youth, terror and cold personified. Why is she so kind to us now? I want to understand how people change so I can change."

"People don't change, they just become better version of the selves they already are. But to put it into one word, it's compassion. The highest virtue and the greatest gift. Azula received it from her master and she is now transmitting it to us."

"This master. He must have been a great person."

"He wasn't particularly tall." Karuna joked "But he had a desire and sense of duty to help, and a knack for challenge. I met him once, he said Azula was his most difficult student and thus his greatest success. There is a picture of him in her room, I'd suggest you take a long look... but I digress. What I want to say is... Azula can put it better... compassion when received and given softens the hardest hearts but makes them stronger and dissolves all fears in face of all uncertainties."

"I don't remember the last time I was brave."

"This evening, when you opened yourself before Azula and the community and spoke frankly and from your heart. That was brave. You didn't lie and tell you wanted to be an awakened one for the benefit of all beings like some do, you told us your sincere desire."

"You were present?"

Karuna nodded and continued. "I suppose no one showed you genuine compassion for your fears before, only dismissed them and told you to be strong which made them even stronger and more terrifying."

"Am I so obvious?"

"To Azula, yes. But that's only because you two are not so different, she told me. When failure is an unforgivable offense it becomes inevitable that you one day cannot make a move at all, and when that is an unforgivable offense too, that's where the terror really begins."

"I... I..."

"It's OK, it's maybe time to sleep. I hope I put you somewhat at ease. Like I said, Azula is much more wise. She will want to figure out what exercises to give you and what to teach you first."

"I feel like I won't be able to sleep now, it all sounds so big and important and if I mess that up."

"You must be exhausted. Let that feeling gently guide you to rest. Even the most awakened person needs deep slumber to remain fresh... but if you have problems with dreams I can teach you how to wake up from bad ones and invoke better ones. Want to do that first? Dream meditation was a specialty of old master Hakuin."

"That would be... that would be amazing. I... I always tried to escape my fears through sleep but they started following me even there."

"So..." Karuna smiled "Lets begin."

-to be continued-


	3. The Princess and the Teacher

"Is that him?" Zhurin asked with curious fascination, looking at the medium sized portrait of master Lao in Azula's room.

"Yes, that's him. Do you like it?"

Zhurin nodded excitedly. "He's so..." she hesitated before she said it "handsome. When was this painted?"

"Shortly before his passing."

"I can't believe he died so young."

"He didn't. He was old when he died. I painted it the way I remember him most fondly, the way he was when I met him, strong and in his prime."

"You painted it yourself?"

"Perfection, isn't it?" Azula keenly observed her reaction. After all she took great pride in her work. She labored and tweaked for months and countless drafts until the painting perfectly matched her recollection of him. She poured all that he thought her about the mind at work until she considered the painting the perfect tribute to the man and his teachings.

"Yes, my little brother paints but this... this is sure far above all his abilities."

Azula glanced at her with satisfaction, and with a small smirk. A moment later she asked: "You seem to be fond of your brother, more so than your parents, am I right?"

Zhurin's face saddened: "He burned my father on the day he took me to the hospital. I'm sure he hasn't forgiven him."

Azula listened with calmly but with interest. "Your brother brought you here, isn't that so? I read his letter that he sent here, asking us to take you in. He has nice handwriting, perhaps he would be a better calligrapher."

Zhurin smiled: "I will tell him when I meet him again, I hope he's OK."

Azula made her mental notes, if her brother could be so brave for her, perhaps she could kindle that bravery in Zhurin for him. As Hakuin would say, caring is the start of strength.

"Do you miss him?" the girl asked looking at the portrait again.

"As much as I miss my own father..." she glanced at the picture of Ozai she had on the other side of her chambers "but he will never truly die as long as I'm alive, and certainly after I'm gone as well he and I will live on through the people we taught... that's what glory and immortality is all about pretty girl."

"So how did you meet him?" I heard stories and rumors but... I want to hear it from you. If I'm allowed of course."

Azula's mind recollected all of it in a sudden instant. As she got older, instead of fading, the memories got more stronger and vivid. She would tell Zhurin the short of it but in her mind she could picture the entire scene in all it's detail.

It was in a semi-remote forest in the Fire Nation colonies. She'd been on the run for some time, evading detection, hoping to disappear from all, from herself, and the demons still plaguing her mind. She tried spiritists and exorcists but the voices and visions wouldn't go away. She hated admitting it but she was desperate. After a long search, she found the man she heard rumors as a great healer and helper, sitting on a stone, overlooking the mid spring valley.

"Are you the man known as Lao?"

He opened his eyes and turned to her and politely got up.

"Who cares to know?"

"It's bad manners to answer a question with a question. I asked first."

He observed her for a long moment, her ragged clothes and her tired look.

"I heard you were a great healer and a wise man but you look more like a deserter." she taunted.

"Never!" The insult obviously hit but he was more calm than she expected. "I served my nation to the bitter end."

"So what are you doing here?"

"Picking up the pieces, helping the men and women thrown adrift and discarded in this new great era of peace. Men and women who served loyally and who now know not how to go on. I set them on the path the great Mother laid for us all. But what would you know young lady, by the looks of you you are an escaped convict."

Now the insult hit back. This obviously wasn't some fuddly cuddly weakling. She couldn't tell his firebending ability yet but bodily he seemed strong and he seemed to be on the right side of the tracks as well.

"Maybe I am but I heard you help everyone sincerely seeking it, yet you don't look like a wise man."

"And how do you picture such a man?" he asked with admirable restraint.

"I'm not sure. Fat, bearded, jolly, with an overly great love of tea and pai sho..."

The man known as Lao shed a bitter laugh. "You are describing somebody I knew, someone I once served with faith. Someone who let his nation and the world at large down."

Azula's interest was peaked: "How so? People seem to praise that man to now end yet you seem bitter towards him?"

"How could I not? When he had the chance to end the war for good and become the ruler we all under him believed he deserved to be he let personal loss blind him and retreat from the great task he was honor bound to finish, taking the enemy capital. He dishonored the sacrifice we made for him, he abandoned us for the spirit world, he allowed to war to go on for five more bloody years with countless victims on both sides and he even allowed his brother to take the throne from him, retiring to his tea and pai sho instead of repairing the damage he did. I begged him to go on, urged him with all my wisdom and might but he just wouldn't listen to me, or men like me."

"But he lost his only kid." Azula added flatly.

"I lost my only kid as well! For him!" he regained his composure after a long deep breath. "For his glory and prestige. He disgraced himself and he disgraced us, me and my son."

Azula couldn't quite agree on what she felt at the moment, she rarely felt it for people other than her father and great ancestors but it was beginning to feel like admiration. Yet there was something else harder to describe even as he talked about his son, for it hit her very suddenly. She let him continue:

"Years later, when the city finally fell, brilliantly, without spilled blood. I found the place where my son died and celebrated in his honor and in honor of the person who delivered the city."

Now it was flattery, clearly.

"But enough of that traitor. I ask again, who are you?"

Azula, now feeling secure in having found someone loyal finally said:

"I'm that man's niece."

-to be continued


	4. First Revelations

Lao's eyes noticeably widened as he stood still.

"That's a pretty bold claim..."

Without speaking a word, Azula lifted her hand and ignited and ignited a spark of her signature blue fire. Lao took a step back and set down on his rock again. Lifting his eyes to meet hers he said:

"So is it true?"

"Is what true? I just proved to you who I am." she said indignantly.

"That you were locked up in a madhouse after the war?"

"It is."

"Were you at least treated right, with respect and dignity?"

Azula looked away and sighed.

"I'm so sorry." Lao told her in the kindest of tones.

"Don't pity me, don't you dare."

"I don't." he said: "I'm feeling compassion."

"What's the difference?" she asked, now looking back at him tauntingly.

"Pity is the near enemy of compassion, though people mix them up they are worlds apart. When you pity someone you see their pain and distance yourself from them, hoping it won't catch. Compassion on the other hand is when you sincerely feel the suffering, you embrace the pain of the other person and are moved by a desire to help."

Azula listened keenly, carefully, each sentence stirring something.

"And what would you know of my suffering?" she snapped.

"I've been at war half my life, I've seen a lot. I've seen men go mad with boulder shock and I've seen where they take them and how they are treated, punished for their humanity. Discarded as weak despite all their bravery and effort. It pains me to hear that someone as young and accomplished as you had to go through the same."

"So you will help me?" Azula finally said.

"To the best of my ability."

"And how will you accomplish that?"

"I'll teach you what I know."

"So what teachings are those?"

"The teachings of the Tathagata, the Awakened One, the Great Mother of Compassion, Guan Yin."

"And who's that?" Azula asked with suspicion.

"The woman of my island who recognized suffering and the truth behind it and in her mercy decided to help all beings with her insights."

"But you said Iroh was weak and a traitor? So what makes me worthy to receive such wisdom? Why would you teach me."

"He is, and I'm not taking that back. I'm only human as well. My anger with him is my own issue... maybe I would forgive him if he apologized to me... but that's a what if. You are here now before me, asking for my help. You are right, I do help anyone who sincerely needs it."

"But why? Why do you do that?"

Hakuin laughed: "Well, it's a fun story. When I was very young I was very unruly and the priests told me about the realms of Hell and the beings trapped there and their suffering in vivid detail. I was so scared, traumatized even. I decided that such suffering is an injustice that cannot be borne, that neither I nor anyone else no matter how rotten deserved to suffer forever. I looked for a solution. I told my parents and they told me about Guan Yin and how in her great compassion she saved beings from such destinies. Ever since I followed her teachings."

"But you've been to war, you killed for our nation."

"I was moved by compassion for my kin. One side in this great war had to win. I was convinced victory would bring peace... and it did. It's just that it wasn't our side that won. Now we all live on the victor's mercy."

Azula pondered all that has been said. If nothing else, this man seemed ever more interesting to her.

"So, what should we do first? Do you have any great wisdom from your goddess for me right now?"

"Right now? Right now I invite you for tea. You look like you could use it. That, and a bath and some new clothes. My dojo is not too far. I'll introduce you to my wife."

"I thought you were some lone hermit?"

Lao laughed.

"A common misconception. I'll tell you more on the way."

-to be continued


	5. Mothers and Monsters

After a moderately long walk Azula and Lao found themselves sitting on the floor in Lao's small yet comfortably assembled living room.

"I hope you like ginseng tea. It's a favorite of our common friend perhaps but it's still good, good for the mind even."

Azula sipped the tea wordlessly, ignoring the subtle hint, wagering Lao would take her silence as a thank you. Visibly undisturbed, he continued:

"So, my honored guest. What ails you? What is it that you seek."

She put the cup down carefully and looked him straight in the eye.

"My mind."

"And how does this disturbance manifest?" Lao asked with a calm and sincere tone. He of course heard rumors about what happened to the once mighty princess but he considered it the right and polite thing to hear it from her own mouth.

"I see visions, and I hear voices. I want them gone. By now I don't really care how. Make it happen." she said, the last words with the commanding sharpness she was familiar with.

"And what kind of visions and voices do you see?" he said with barely a pause, undaunted by her tone.

Azula breathed in deeply before saying the next words: "It's my mother."

Lao's eyes widened a bit, then he went on: "I've met men who hoped I would grant them the power of visions through my teachings. Some would have certainly given their all to see a loved one."

"She is not my loved one." Azula added with a contained rage she hoped Lao would sense.

He carefully paused: "I've met men seemingly rotten to the core, steeped in every vice who still loved their mother. But I don't know yours... maybe she was a monster."

The words hit her like a sudden strike, her mind wondering if she heard the man right.

"...I... you really are ignorant. It was I who was the monster."

"And do you think you are one?"

"My mother certainly did. My brother, my uncle..."

"I'm not asking about their perception. I'm asking whether you consider it true?"

Azula kept silent, strategically, or so she hoped.

"I see..." Lao said "Either way it must hurt to viewed in such a way. None of us is truly invulnerable to other people's feelings about us. In your visions, does your mother taunt you, denigrate you, call you things again and again?"

"Worse... she lies. She claims she loved me, that she cared for me, that she was never afraid of me."

"And did you want to be loved by her?" he asked, his tone still calm but far from distant.

"What difference does it make?"

"Neither lie nor truth, neither her love nor hate for you would disturb you so much if you didn't care."

Azula had to supress the boiling lake of fire and rage burning up in her. How dare this man, whoever he might be presume to know her.

He sensed it.

"Forgive me. Whether you cared about her or not is for you to decide. It is however natural to desire the care and love of others, especially family. What she did and said to you hurt you. I can see your anger clearly written all over you."

"So you too think I'm a danger. An angry beast that needs to be chained?!"

"Let me speak." he said firmly.

"Our anger is our natural reaction to injustice. You wouldn't be shaking with rage if you had no sense of right or wrong or didn't care about those things. Clearly, you've been wronged."

Again, she didn't believe she was hearing what she heard. Iroh would have certainly never spoken that way, not to her. Where was this man before and why hadn't she heard of him?

She remembered to breathe.

"Will you help me get my revenge?"

"I will help you heal. There is no greater revenge than that."

"How...?"

"Give me time. I know justice cannot wait but I cannot impart you all the teachings in one night."

"You can try to, now!"

"I think first you need a new name. Some around here, for various reasons might not be able to handle your true identity well. What about... Avida?"

"It has a nice ring to it. What does it mean?"

"Ignorance."

Azula didn't know whether she should laugh, or take it as an insult and rage.

"You have some nerve calling me that."

"I think it's appropriate, you came to learn. Let this be the first lesson, we all suffer because we don't know our true nature."

"And what is that true nature of mine. What is it like?"

"Fundamentally good." he said without a second's delay, looking her straight in the eye.

This time Azula laughed. It was too funny, a wise man calling her a good person.

"So you think I'm some innocent little girl lost in the woods, all full of sunshine and rainbows?"

"No, that's not what goodness is. Goodness is justice, which your anger shows you have. Goodness is compassion and many other things we are all born with. We might not develop them or show them, but they are there and they all bring lasting happiness and calm."

"So what about monsters?"

"Even the worst people have the seed of good. Like the sun on a rainy day, it is merely obscured by illusion. The illusion might be powerful but it can be disbanded, the sun cannot. We live in a world of two truths, the truth of illusion and the truth behind it."

"What's that last remark supposed to mean?"

"Gaun Yin saw the truth of our good nature clearly, others did not. I cannot say perceptions aren't real but they are not always true."

"So will I learn to see it? See this so called "good" Azula, I mean Avida?"

Lao smiled. "You will."

"When will it happen?"

"It could happen tomorrow in our first sitting, or years from now. But you will see glimmers of it more and more the more you practice and cultivate your garden, until realization sprouts like a bamboo stalk, almost instantly and with no warning."

"Did it happen to you?"

"I wouldn't be teaching you if I wasn't convinced."

Azula was prepared to ask another question when the door suddenly knocked.


	6. Wishing Another Well

"Come in." Lao said in a cheery tone. The knock didn't seem to surprise him as much as it irritated his guest.

The door opened, a young woman entered. By the looks of her she was maybe five or six years older than Azula. Lao got up, closed the distance between them and kissed her quickly yet lovingly. The woman then looked away from him, then to new person in the house then back to Lao and said:

"You picked up a flower. Quite a beautiful one I must say."

Azula didn't know what to make of that comment. She's been called beautiful before but looking back she wasn't sure if anyone ever really meant it or if they just said it not to displease her. Her father certainly never commented on it, only on her strength and accomplishment. She looked back at the couple unflinchingly, waiting what Lao would do next.

"She's her own person I'm afraid, but I will pick you the finest bouquet soon when your favorites come in season."

The young woman smiled. Lao sensing it was about time put an arm around her, turned to Azula and said:

"This is my wife, Maitri. And this, my dear, is our new student..." Azula starred at him intensely, carefully weighing what he would say. "Avida."

"I see you already got a new name. I assume you must have a great willingness to learn then." she said in a friendly, slightly cheery tone. Azula, not knowing whether she should feel comfortable talking to this new person shot a question to Lao the way she used to shoot lightning:

"I thought you had a grown son."

"Oh!" Lao laughed. "I understand. Well, Maitri is my second wife."

"What happened to your first?" Azula added without pause.

"She divorced me."

Her curiosity was quickly peeked: "Why, did she not have enough compassion for you or something?"

"Perhaps you could put it like that. She couldn't forgive me the fact that I took our son to war."

"I see." A certain feeling started creeping up in her, not unlike the one she had when he first talked about his fallen son. He really did sacrifice all for the nation, she thought. Perhaps it would be appropriate to add something but she didn't quite knew how to do it. "I'm..."

"It's OK, he will never forget her but he is happy with me now and that's all that matters." Maitri added before the pause could become uncomfortable. "I hope my husband will be the person you need. He helped me and I feel he could help you." She spoke in a tone that was clearly very friendly, despite not knowing her at all. Something in it all reminded Azula of her oh so cheery and kind former friend Ty Lee. With a sudden dose of spite she said:

"You said I was beautiful, aren't you afraid I'll take him away from you?"

Maitri smiled widely and laughed heartily: "I'm afraid it will take much more than good looks to accomplish that. Neither you nor I are the only beautiful women around here. He chose me because I knew a secret which I'm afraid I'm not gonna tell you. But..." she added warmly: "should you start fancying some nice young man around here, tell me and I'll make it happen, promise."

Azula now remembered with awkward pain the time she tried to get a boy to like her and how quickly it all turned to ash when in her passion for him she revealed her true colors. She now had to force herself not to look in any way embarrassed so she kept staring at Lao's wife and said:

"I never heard a name like yours, what does it mean?"

"Friendliness."

"How fitting. Were you always this eager to please people you don't know?"

Something must have hit Maitri now for she looked back at Lao for a long moment until he nodded to her.

"I actually hated people with a passion before I met Lao. I think you could learn a thing or two about kindness too. It's not about pleasing people to get something from them but about seeing their humanity and appreciating it. It's also the antidote to the pain of anger and hate."

Azula turned to Lao: "I thought you were the teacher here. You also told me my anger was just."

Lao stepped forward and sat back down to Azula, inviting Maitri to do the same. "My teachings would be worthless if others weren't able to pass them on; and neither I nor Maitri are saying your anger is unjust, only that it is still a burden to bear it. If not released in a productive way it becomes a painful shackle and I think with all sincerity that you deserve to be free."

Again, Azula was stunned by this man. Here he was speaking about her deserving to be free while somewhere around there, her brother, uncle, former friends and the enemies of their nation they befriended were all searching for her, eager to put her back in prison.

"So how can I do that, how can I be free?"

Lao paused for an intense moment: "Tonight, when you go to bed, I want you to do your first exercise. Maitri will help you with this. Put your right hand on your heart and your left hand on your stomach and repeat these words until you fall asleep. May I be happy, may I be at peace, may I know joy, may I be loved."

Azula was skeptical and it showed in her eyes. Seeing this Lao went on:

"The exercise is simple yet powerful. It might sound silly at first but you will feel its effects the more you practice it. I feel in your life you lacked compassion, both from others and towards them. So, I want you to develop it. From all that I heard about you I got the conviction that you are very dedicated and persistent at whatever you do and take great pride in your achievements. So, why not achieve happiness?"

Despite speaking calmly and with care, his words were still a challenge, and she hated backing down.

"Alright, I will do what you recommend." Despite not smiling, he looked relieved. "I have just another question for you. Is Lao even your real name?"

"No, it's Hakuin. Lao was the name of my son. I honor his memory by bearing it."

That night Azula went to bed in Maitri's room, freshly bathed and in new clothes. Tomorrow, she would be introduced to the other students and get a bed in the women's rooms. Her thoughts were running in all directions, trying to settle the events of the day. She couldn't quite sleep despite being rather tired so she started doing the exercise as both Lao and later Maitri instructed. It was good that it was a silent exercise for she couldn't speak the words aloud. After a while she felt a tingling of warmth in the area of her heart. It was pleasant, yet unbearably painful for it reminder her of all the people in her life, other than her father, who've been around her for years but never provided her even an inch of what Lao gave her in merely a day. Yet she hadn't spoken a word of thanks or apology to him. Thus, she decided not to repeat the phrases for herself anymore. Instead, in a voice barely audible to herself she spoke: "May Lao be happy, may he be at peace, may he know joy, may he be loved."

Years later she would teach this very exercise to Zhurin.


	7. Bravery and Fear

Zhurin listened as Azula spoke: "So, I want you to do this exercise before you go to sleep as well. Actually, you will do it today in the formal sitting and at every chance you get too. I believe it must be very hard for you to think positively about yourself but try it, with all sincerity and effort you can muster. Think of yourself as not yourself but as if you were somebody you were entrusted to take care of."

"I'm afraid I don't quite understand. How can I look at myself like that?"

"Imagine you were your brother. He might not use the techniques we teach but his feelings are just as sincere and that matters even more. Once you can feel for yourself the love he must have for you the way you see yourself, feel about yourself will change. This love will give you strength and his bravery will become yours."

Zhurin listened wide eyed, moved by every word. For her, the words were understandable but it was almost like listening to a foreign language for no authority in her life had ever described bravery in those terms before. However, she couldn't escape her doubts in an instant quite yet, and she had many questions still.

"Is that why you were such a fearless warrior back in the war. Because you loved someone?"

"My father." Azula told her without pause.

"And, this technique..." Zhurin wasn't sure if she dared asking. Seeing her mentor's inquiring look she finally dared saying the words that were on her lips: "Do you ever perform it for your own brother as well?"

Azula paused for a long moment, closing her eyes. She finally, curtly and silently spoke:

"Yes."

Moments passed in silence, many words and questions floated around unspoken. Zhurin finally decided to leave them like that. Instead, she asked:

"Back then, before your first sitting with the students of Master Lao, were you nervous?"

Azula uttered a brief laugh: "Probably not as much as you are now but despite all instructions I wasn't sure what to expect either."

"And what were those instructions and preparations."

"You want to get into my good graces by getting me to reminisce about the good old times all day, don't you?"

"I-I... I didn't mean to influence you or anything! Please forgive me!"

Azula simply couldn't find it not amusing how easy it was to get under this girl's skin. Only years of training and the memory of Lao's stern look prevented her from exploiting the situation for her entertainment.

"Influence is a natural desire. We want to be liked and respected by the people we like and respect. The only sin is doing it wrong, through the wrong means, like seduction, blackmail or fear."

Zhuring felt at once relieved and even more intimidated. If even part of all she heard about her mentor in her youth was true then her arsenal of those wrongful means must have been impressive, and maybe it still was.

"But, we have time. It has been a while since I had a new student. If you don't mind an older woman going on about her youth I wouldn't mind telling you a bit more about it all. What interests you most?"

"You said you had a good friend who had the same name as me. I'm curious."

"That's perhaps a story for another time but I tell you this, she was brave, foolhardy perhaps. She was the only one who dared talking to me when I was at my worst."

"You mean back in-"

Azula just glanced at Zhurin, who instantly understood the answer to her question and that it would be better not to say the word.

"But back to my first morning with Lao..."


	8. Forgiveness

"How did you sleep? I hope you rested well." Maitri asked. Lao, Azula and her set together in the common room of Lao's hut and drank morning tea to wake up, breakfast itself was to be had together with the other students where "Avida" would be introduced.

Azula gave her a slightly mistrustful and annoyed look. She still wasn't sure how to act around her. Her demeanour was perfectly friendly and kind. Not even her servants back at the palace could wake her up as gently as she did that morning yet this very fact irked her. How was it possible for someone who used to be so full of hatred by their own admission to be so polite to a stranger? She suspected that it couldn't have been quite so. People are what they, they don't change so easily. She was ever more reminded of Ty Lee, once her most loyal friend, always kind and polite as well, saying all those nice things about her... until she stabbed her in the back and never looked back.

"I think I need my tea first before I can reply." she said at last. Maitri, in her politeness didn't even smile, else she annoy her further so she let her be in silence until she almost finished the tea. When this was done however she couldn't resist to ask: "Did you do the exercise."

"I tried... but I couldn't. Am I a failure?" was all Azula managed to say. Sensing that she might not want to discuss this further with her Maitri looked at her husband who put down his own cup and said:

"No. But your question answers a lot. For many people I met it was very hard to feel benevolence towards themselves. When I said the exercise was simple I didn't mean to say it was easy. But the fact that you tried means you are on the path now. It's way to early to speak of failure yet."

Azula pushed the cup aside. She couldn't claim she was untouched by his words. This was not the way her instructors at court spoke about exercises, whether for firebending or otherwise. In her mind she began noting that with Lao you had to expect something unusual every time. She looked him in the eye and said:

"I don't understand how someone as soft as you could have served in the army for so long?"

Lao's reaction was hard to read but it was not dissimilar to when he was called a deserter by her.

"I told you I served out of compassion. What you call weakness, or, what I suspect you were taught to call weakness is actually my strength, a fire even stronger than my bending. I taught my men to fight for the same reasons and with the same fire as I and on the battlefield, we were rightfully feared... My commanders had similar reprehensions about me teaching the lessons of Guan Yin but our results outweighed their suspicions. I would therefore ask you for the same leniency."

Azula carefully listened, the controlled passion with which he spoke kindled something in her. Full understanding certainly not yet but interest for sure. After he was done she granted him a pause before she said: "And, you want to teach me that same fire so I will no longer be weak? Is that what you are saying?"

"Weakling, failure, monster. These are all your words, not mine. I suspect they are not even your words either but someone else's, just nesting and squatting in your head. Who do you think you failed?"

Part of her was again stunned, almost into silence but another part felt to urge to speak, to even fight:

"Tell me you are not blind. We have lost this war yet we could have triumphed. I failed my myself, my father, my nation and by extension you. All because I was weak when it counted the most and you want me to feel benevolent towards myself? You spoke of justice yesterday, and of my uncle Iroh. What kind of justice would it be if I just forgave myself the way he did and just ignored everything that happened, all the things I did or failed to do?"

Her emotions overtook her despite her effort to still be calm. At the mention of Iroh Maitri suddenly realised who Avida was. There was however, no time to waste reacting on that. The only thing that mattered to her at that moment was that her guest was clearly suffering so without thinking she put her arms around her in an effort to calm her down. Azula pushed her aside however, but not right away. This, she took as a good sign. When Azula finally seemed ready to hear a response Lao leaned in, put his arm on her shoulder and said in tone most serious and sincere:

"And this is why I'm teaching you, not him."

"What do you mean?"

"Only a person aware of their faults can truly appreciate forgiveness."

"You said you celebrated my name when the city fell. Did you curse me when I lost against my brother?"

"No. When I heard about your fate I didn't believe it, that's why I asked. I was sad beyond words, and I still am. I wish I could have been there for you but I will do my best to help you now."

Azula, now visibly in a better shape finally said the words she so rarely managed to say in her life:

"Thank you."

Lao smiled widely, relieved that his words and actions helped.

"I just have one more question before we go, we are running late. Your visions, when and how often to they appear?"

"I can never say, they just come and they are never convenient."

"I see. Do they come only when you are alone or with people?"

Azula pondered. For the past year and a half she was almost always alone, either in the wilderness or locked and restrained in her cell.

"Alone."

"Then you are not going to be alone any longer. Me, Maitri, the rest, we will all watch over you. Should they dare to appear come to us and we'll chase them away. Now, do you feel ready to go or do you need another moment?"

Azula looked at Lao, then at Maitri and smiled a small yet triumphant smile.

"I'm ready."


	9. A Daughter s Love

The common room was a far cry from the palace dining chambers but it possessed a regality of its own, and a certain warmth. Azula counted about fifty people, the women at one side of the wide table, the men on the other. She wondered if they sat according to seniority, with the oldest students most closely seated to Lao and Maitri. She sat on Lao's right, the guest of honor, something she certainly didn't feel unglad about. The food on the table wasn't lavish but it looked delicious and smelt appetizing. She could feel her stomach making sounds but she vowed to be restrained for Lao had certainly something to say and the other students weren't touching their food either.

"My honored and valued students, friends. Today I have the honor to introduce you to Avida, someone who like you all came here searching for a better life, for wisdom, compassion, freedom and hope. Someone who had it tough and who in her hour of need came to me looking for guidance and help. This reputation however would have been impossible without all of you who are now here and all of our friends who left us feeling healed. I would therefore like to extend my humblest thanks to all of you."

The assembled men and women smiled and murmured in approval, some even clapped or bowed their hands. Lao, looking happy and proud continued:

"Avida has began her journey yesterday with me but from today it will become a common journey with all of you. Like so many of you know, it can be a very intense, difficult path with many obstacles. Meditation itself especially can be a challenging experience, even for someone versed in it. I would therefore appeal to your compassion when meditating together today with her and not judge her if she gets distracted or disruptive."

Some looked at Azula with a curious fascination, some smiled warmly, some even waved and one boy her age looked at her in a way she couldn't quite make out. Their eyes met for a while. Feeling an unfamiliar sense of discomfort she decided to rather focus on Lao:

"Today we will focus on a lesson many of you are familiar with but it is a topic that never dries out, the Four Immeasurables, or Heavenly Abodes: Kindness, Compassion, Sympathetic Joy and Equanimity of Mind."

Azula carefully listened, especially at the mention of a peaceful mind.

"It bears noting that one cannot have the last quality without properly developing the first three. A mind that is kind to itself and others, which finds joy in the fact that others are happy and which seeks to help all suffering beings is a mind that can truly withstand the toughest disturbances. We will therefore do the fivefold exercise today for this morning hour before we focus on visualization in the afternoon and on calm abiding in the evening."

Azula felt again skeptical at his words but she listened with interest nonetheless. She looked around, except at the boy, and everyone seemed... calm, happy even. She wondered if it was sincere, the way she wondered about Maitri too. For a moment she was reminded of her father's war room. Everyone in those meetings was mindful, devoted and genuine to the cause. She felt an energy in the room now that was different but just as honest. She decided that she would keep listening and trying what Lao recommended no matter how absurd it might seem at first. She mastered difficult instructions before, she wasn't about to give up now before she even properly started.

"Now, before we eat I would like for us all to speak the three gems, the four promises and the five oaths together. I take refuge in the Mother, I take refuge in her teachings, I take refuge in her community."

The whole room solemnly repeated the words. It sounded like music.

"My faults are endless, I promise to amend them all. The suffering of beings is endless, I promise to help them all. The teachings of the Mother are immeasurable, I promise to learn them all. The path of the Mother is unsurpassable, I promise to walk it to the end."

Azula had to admit that she was impressed by the sheer ambition behind every promise, it was so typical of a true firebender, a true son or daughter of her nation to want to achieve the seemingly impossible. Once these people set out to conquer the wider world, now they were devoted to conquering their minds. She felt suddenly proud to be among them.

"I swear not to unlawfully kill. I swear not to steal. I swear not to lie. I swear not to engage in sexual misconduct. I swear not to intoxicate myself."

The last two were easy, Azula thought. Although, she wondered if Lao and Maitri ever broke the fourth. That, she would find out, she thought.

After the meal was done and the tables cleaned up, everyone slowly walked to the dojo, the large meditation chamber, where everyone assumed position. One cushion was assigned to Azula by Lao himself who told her how to properly sit. He himself took a cushion not different from anyone else's in the center of the room. When everyone was comfortably seated he began to speak:

"In this exercise we are going to focus on our hearts in order to calm our minds. We are going to focus on goodwill and benevolence."

Azula's ears sprang up, he's going to focus where they left off back in the house. She knew in an instant he would be speaking almost directly to her.

"First, we are going to start with ourselves. We are going to focus on the sensations in our heart area as we speak the following words: May I be happy, may I be at peace, may I know joy, may I be loved. I know it can be very difficult for some of you to do this. We might feel guilty for one thing or the other or simply consider ourselves undeserving of these things. Perhaps not unrightly. None of us feels a certain way without reason. But I want you to imagine yourselves in a different way. At this moment I want you to look at yourself through the eyes of a person who you know has fondness for you, someone who loves you despite your faults and shortcoming and who wishes the best for you. Speak the words then and they will feel more natural."

Azula could think of only one person who truly accepted her for what she was, who made her what she was... but she was far from sure if this person would forgive her. She tried nonetheless. Many minutes passed, the room was quiet except for the occasional sigh, heavy breathing or cough. Lao spoke of focusing on the sensations of the heart. She felt heaviness. The more she repeated the words the heavier it got for the doubt grew ever more heavy. Perhaps not even her father loved her, for he left her alone on the fateful day of the last battle of the war. Later, she would put the blame on herself. He had entrusted her with managing the affairs of the nation while he went out to fight and in her weakness and disturbed state of mind she failed to defend it from her traitorous brother.

"Next, I want you to speak the words again. This time not for yourself, but for the person you care most about, whoever it might be. Someone you naturally care for and for whom you have compassion in both their good times and their bad."

Again, her mind settled on her father.

"Perhaps, this person is suffering."

Back in the madhouse, Azula was told that her father was now nothing but a dirty prisoner, stripped of his power and pride, alone, with no friends or allies. Likely degraded and abused on a daily basis with nothing to look forward to. Lao's first words about compassion resonated loudly. But what could she do? Every time she thought about it that question pained her. She was told she would never see him again.

"Perhaps you cannot help them at this very moment but it's the sincerity of thought that counts. We all feel frustrated and powerless when we cannot concretely help but there is one thing we can do. Whenever you breathe in I want you to imagine that you are taking in all the suffering that beloved person. Feel it in your heart. With every breathe out I want you to focus on all the compassion you have for that person, all your goodwill and love. Transform that suffering by speaking the words and as your breath leaves your body send them peace."

Azula felt something on her face she hoped with panic no one would see, tears. "One day I will be back with you Dad, I promise." she whispered.

Lao did indeed focus his attention on her most of all. He could sense by the sound of her breathing what an intense moment it must be for her so he gave her enough time until he focused on the next part of the lesson.


	10. The Meaning of Friendship

"Next, we will focus our attention on a neutral person, someone you have no strong feelings for nor against, though either might be present. It could be an old friend you haven't talked in a long time..."

At these words Mai and Ty Lee instantly came to Azula's mind and just as quickly she rejected the very notion of wishing them well.

"Perhaps a neighbor or shopkeeper or someone you just met recently."

Azula was now wondering whether Lao and Maitri were performing the exercise for her as of late. Was that the reason Maitri acted so kindly towards her. She already got over her usual self by wishing well to Lao last night, maybe it was the right time to extend that goodwill to his wife as well. She decided that would be an interesting option. Perhaps she could be an useful ally the way Lao was proving to be.

"The goodwill we extend to others might not always be returned but a heart that feels it is a benefit to the one possessing it. Now, you might not know whether that person is happy or suffering but I want you to send them your best regards anyway. When you take the first step by feel kindness and friendliness towards someone you might barely know the road to friendship might open, sooner than you might think."

Was that all that it took to win over people to your side, Azula wondered. People were unruly and selfish and not always keen on your best interests. You had to read them well, see their insecurities and intentions and steer them in the way you needed them to be steered, by whatever means necessary. For the longest of times Azula considered herself a people person, someone who could command loyalty and respect... until one day she couldn't; and that from the two people she was convinced in her heart she had fully under control. Perhaps Lao and Maitri truly knew a secret she didn't and she was growing more determined to find it out. She lost Mai and Ty Lee, she never wanted to go through the pain of betrayal again. But if that were to occur, she swore, she wouldn't be as merciful as to her former life long friends. For now though, she decided to wish them well and speak the words in their name. After a while a certain, pleasant calmness set in and Lao could yet again sense it by her breathing. He decided to let her rest in that calmness for a long while before he came to the next part of the exercise:

"Now, we come to the most difficult part of our meditation, the person you are in conflict with."

Azula's sens of calm was suddenly disturbed although she remained perfectly seated just as before. Was he really about to ask what she suspected she would. Images of her enemies, especially her brother now clouded her mind.

"I will at this point not ask you to do the seemingly impossible, forgive your mortal enemy. Although, if you feel ready for this huge step then by all means do, wish them well, right here and now and let your anger towards them be a thing of the past. Perhaps if you achieve that you can teach me."

Azula felt a sense of relief at his words despite the exercise still not settling well with her. This man must have been a true commander, never asking something he wouldn't or couldn't do himself.

"No, I want you to start simple, think of a person you have an arguement with, perhaps petty, perhaps severe. Someone you dislike for this or that reason. Perhaps they are happy at this very moment. Likely, this fact will make you indignant. However, think of the people in their life other than you. Perhaps he or she is kind to them and enjoys their love deservingly. Try to feel happy for those people first before you wish well to them."

Azula quickly found that impossible too. Of course her enemies were now a big happy family, that didn't help. Giving up was no option though. She thought of the boy whose stare caused her discomfort earlier and decided he would be the perfect target, so she spoke the words for him, despite not knowing his name. She quickly found a certain satisfaction in that ingenuity. Perhaps she would talk to Lao about it later, just not to the boy if possible.

After another long while Lao finished the exercise by urging his students to wish well to all beings, big and small, in all six realms of existence.

The exercise was finished and the students were leaving. Some of them quickly crowded around Lao which Azula found displeasing. This displeasure quickly faded though when she saw them waving at her and urging her to join them.

She froze for a second however when she noticed the boy among them, warmly smiling towards her, again with a look in his eyes she felt the urge to look away from.

A princess disconcerted by a mere commoner, unacceptable.

She moved her legs and quickly closed the distance to Lao anyway.


	11. A New Wisdom

Azula found herself crowded around Lao, she noticed Maitri among them. "It's good that you are joining us, Lao is about to answer some questions. I hope the exercise benefited you." she said.

"It was, interesting." Azula hesitated for a moment before speaking the next words but she knew she had to say them: "Thank you for your concern." Maitri instantly smiled a small yet warm smile. "I think that answers the question I had in my mind, thank you. Do you have anything to ask from your side?"

"Yes, but I would like to hear the answer from Lao."

"Master Lao." the boy interjected. Azula quickly glanced at him with displeasure then back to Lao.

"She will call me by my title when she feels I truly deserve it." Azula felt very satisfied with that answer, perhaps next time she will call him by his title in front of that peasant just to spite him. "So, what's on your mind?"

She had pondered the question during the last stages of the exercise and she knew exactly now what to ask: "When you told us to send peace to the suffering person we care about. How does that work? Will it really help them?"

"As the Mother told us in her wisdom, utter separateness is an illusion, we are all connected to each other in many myriad ways. If the connection you feel for that person is strong, your care genuine and your practice of the technique more advanced, they will sense it."

Azula was intrigued "Can you sense it when someone is doing the practice for you?"

Lao suddenly laughed heartily: "I sometimes wake up at night or interrupt what I'm doing during the day because I can feel Maitri thinking about me." At those words Maitri blushed. "My own mother also used to practice it back when I was fighting, it saved me from many a tight spot. Moreover, if you listen keenly with your heart, you can sense Guan Yin herself doing the practice for all of us in this very moment. She might have left this world a long time ago but her love hasn't."

Azula couldn't help but think of her own mother, how she left her without even a goodbye, only to be seen again in her lying and disturbing visions years later. She now understood even more fully why the words the Ursa in her vision spoke were so painfully hollow. The love Lao described she just didn't sense.

"Will you teach me to sense it for myself?"

Lao, now calmer but still looking joyful answered: "Yes, in fact, this will be the topic of our next exercise in the afternoon. Until then, we have to find some occupation for you. I already have some ideas. You can stay with the others for a while then come to my hut."

Azula looked around herself. "She can stay with me until you get ready. She can watch me work." the boy said. Azula almost instinctively looked at Lao and Maitri. The latter looked at the boy with a kind of mischievous smile and said: "I'm sure you would love that. Why don't you introduce yourself to Avida first?"

The boy quickly combed a hand through his hair before before saying: "Hi, I'm Shen."

Azula now had to face him, she took a long look at him. He seemed strong and well built but not brutishly so. "Shen, does that name mean anything?"

"Oh, it's just Shen. I'm from around here, my parents would look at me oddly if I adopted a different one."

"So what do you do here?"

"I'm the handyman around here, I do this and that. Repair the dojo, tend the garden, bring deliveries. My father works as a merchant in the village and contributes some funds here and there. He's happy I found employment with some good people."

"I see... don't you have anyone else to cheer you on when you work?"

Shen's lips moved but he otherwise tried to stay calm. Azula could sense that her response disconcerted him, good she thought.

"Shen is a very valuable member of the community, but he does need a bit of extra attention from time to time." Maitri added. "I will help him out, you can go with my husband if you want."

"That might be best." she said, turning to Lao and following him to his hut.

Back in Lao's room, at his invitation she took a seat and asked: "So, what kind of work do you have for me? Please tell me it's not cleaning your kitchen?"

Lao smiled. "I'm sure my wife would appreciate the aid but I thought of something more suited to your education and skills."

"Firebending instructor?"

"I'm sure you would find joy in that activity. However, the blue of your flame presents an insurmountable problem to hiding your identity."

"I can pretend to be a non-bender. Two of my instructors were non-benders as well yet they were good."

"Acting as if you can't bend would be wise. However, most of the students here are either too tired of or too keen on fighting so firebending is not on the program as of now. No, I thought of something else, give me a moment and I'll show you."

He opened his cupboard and took out a large scroll. "This is one of my dearest possessions. Unfortunately, I have only one copy of it. I believe that back in the palace you were thought how to write well, the signature of a princess should inspire awe and beauty after all. Thus, I would like you to copy this scroll for me in its entirety. I feel the text itself could be of great benefit to you, study it well."

Azula carefully took the scroll out of Lao's hands and placed it just as carefully before her. She read the title: "The sayings and teachings of Master Kung. Master Kung, who's that?"

"A great and wise Earth Kingdom official who lived a long time ago. Very influential and very articulate on the topic of influence. It's a very rare example too, filled with the comments of Kung's grandson Mence."

"Why would you have something like this in your library?" Azula genuinely wondered, with some concern nonetheless.

"It was a gift from my son. He acquired it during the raid of an official's home. He read it himself and was very fascinated by it. I soon was too. Made me realize what a formidable opponent we were fighting. I like to remember the times we were both poring over the text. I want others to have the benefit of reading it too and I would be honored if you helped me."

Azula's concerns quieted down. "I see, you studied your enemy in order to strengthen yourself and find weakness in them."

"You can put it that way. He wrote a lot about loyalty, service and friendship. I later learned that he's well studied in the academies and schools of Ba Sing Se and that most officials need to have a deep knowledge of his words before they are accepted into service. His concern and compassion for people and their betterment is not dissimilar to Guan Yin's."

Azula started scanning through the work and noticed an interesting passage: "A man without friends is a man without power."

"I want you to have friends as well Azula. I noticed how Shen looked at you. Perhaps it is not the kind of friendship you need right now but try not to hurt his feelings too badly should you decide not to respond to his affections."

"And what if he hurts me?"

Lao put his hand on her shoulder and warmly smiled: "Then I will be forced to hurt him back."

Azula couldn't help but smirk with satisfaction. "So, are you going to watch me copy the text and discuss it with me until lunch?"

"That's the plan. Like I promised, I'm not letting you be alone for even a moment."


	12. Ties that Bind

Zhurin listened with keen fascination to the entirety of her master's story. Azula seemed mostly calm, even smiling at the fondness of the memory at times, especially when she talked about the moments alone between her and her master. However, she could only imagine what a difficult experience the first meditation must have been for her. Yet, for the first time in a long time, embarrassingly long time in her own estimation, she didn't feel the usual fear and apprehension when faced with a difficult task, she felt encouraged and excited. Moreover, the very fact that her master had such courage to speak about the difficult times of her youth made her feel more and more positively compelled to speak as well. Azula was finished and by the look that she gave her she knew it was her turn to speak and ask questions, and she could sense the change and eagerness. She was pleased.

"Thank you master. I think I do feel ready for the exercise now. But you know, you still haven't answered my earlier question about your friend Zhurin. What happened to her."

Azula couldn't help but snicker: "It's good that for once you are not apologizing for asking a question. I do tell you now, she found peace, just like you will. When me and Lao started this very place all those years ago we petitioned for her release from that bad place both you and I had the misfortune of being in. She was one of our first students and my closest friend, real friend."

"What happened with your other friends, the once you mentioned betrayed you, Mai and Ty Lee?"

"They live their own lives to this very day, far away from me. In time they learned to stomach the fact that I'm now happy and free but the years I coerced and oppressed them and made them choose between their loved ones and me cannot be washed away. They could have been to me what Zhurin later became had I read master Kung under a wise teacher's instruction back then but you do have to sometimes live with the sadness of a lost opportunity."

"I would really like to read what that man has to say."

"You are very much encouraged to do so. Karuna will show you where in the library it is, just don't expect to find my copy of it, it's too dear a possession to just have it lay around there."

Zhurin smiled: "I like Karuna, she taught me how to sleep better. I haven't felt as rested as today in a long time."

Now Azula smiled as well: "I expected nothing less of my best friend's daughter."

Zhurin was again speechless for a moment but she decided not to stop again: "She is..."

"Yes, therefore listen to her as you would listen to me. She might not be the most eloquent at times but she knows what she's talking about. You really think I do anything here by accident?"

"I think I just wasn't thinking, or I think way too much. And none of that seems to lead me anywhere."

"And that's why you came here to learn and be lead in the right direction. Do you have any more questions?"

Despite the feeling of unrealness at these new moments of bravery she decided not to stop, she felt excited yet tried to be calm out of respect.

"It sounds like you've forgiven your friends for betraying you and your brother for locking you up. Will I be able to forgive my parents and my ex one day as well, what do you think?"

"Forgiveness can be wished for, hoped for, but never forced. Like a flower it grows on its own under the right conditions. What I do think is more important for you now is that you realize that the fault is not always with you, you are starting to make me proud. Use your anger positively, for discernment, know what is just and what is not. Just as it can blind, it can also reveal."

Zhuring respectfully and happily bowed: "I will take your words and lessons to heart, master. I thank you. I cannot wait to tell Karuna about this."

"You will first have to go to the session with us, Karuna will be there as well. So are you feeling ready now?"

Zhurin smiled widely, a smile of confidence: "I'm ready."

Azula and her disciple went to the meditation hall together and took their positions, chanted Lao's ancient invocations and did the exercise of wishing well together the way Lao taught all those years back. His most grateful student later watched Karuna and Zhurin happily go of together to bond.

She now however couldn't help but recollect on her youthful experiences with Lao for her next exercise on that day would be the same as the one Lao had in store for her on that day, visualizing the Mother and her love.

She looked back.


	13. Facing Ursa

Lao spoke: "Today, at this hour, my fellow students we are going to perform an exercise of enormous benefit. It can aid us in our darkest moments of doubt, depression and despair. We are going to try and see with our inner eye, the Mother, in all her glory before us. Like everything else I teach it can be performed alone but sitting here together will give us the strength of support and mutual aid. For truly, whom among us really feels happy being utterly lonely. This exercise will helps us feel loved even if we have no one around us at the moment."

This was the moment Azula has been waiting for with apprehension. Again, she felt Lao's words being directed not just to every student but to her specifically. She enjoyed copying the scroll for him despite her hand being rather tired from it at the moment, it reminded her of the times her father watched her train firebending. Now that her mentor spoke of loneliness she couldn't help but look back on much more recent and much more dark times of her imprisonment, when she felt completely abandoned and rejected. Back at lunch people chatted her up and despite not always knowing what to say to their simple and polite questions she appreciated the attention they gave her. She now listened carefully at Lao's words with something in her heart she hadn't felt in a depressingly long time, hope.

"In order to see the Mother with our inner eye it is of great benefit to first look at her image with our outer ones. I therefore direct your attention to the statue we are fortunate enough to have at the middle end of our hall."

Azula now carefully looked at it, just like the other students. Though she never considered herself a great knower of the arts she nevertheless found the life sized statue quite stunning. The colors and decorations were vibrant, the shapes well made, she looked as she might move at any moment, yet remained perfectly still. She wondered who crafted it, maybe Lao himself. What she noticed specifically was her eyes and her smile. She knew that kind of look from a woman and she knew with pain and envy in her heart that this look was usually not directed to her. This mother however was different, she had to be, Lao promised it after all. Lao kept talking and describing all the details of the image with loving passion and tenderness and how each detail of the statue represented something special and beautiful. Being able to imagine it for yourself in your head with your eyes closed would bring the benefit of that characteristic to the person imagining it he told. When he was done with describing and explaining he asked everyone to close their eyes and try it. Azula followed.

It wasn't as easy as she thought and hoped, her mind was used to imagining plans and battlefields, positions and strategies or to guess the motivation of people. She wondered what was the Mother's motivation for being the way she was, what Lao's and Maitri's motivation was for being kind to her. What did she do to earn it? She remembered the text of master Kung she read and copied earlier and how you win over people by your generosity, humanity and genuine concern for them, all the things a monster like her lacked. This doubt lasted long and it was unsettling. However, she remembered Lao's words about her fundamental goodness and that of all people. Perhaps he saw something in her that she herself couldn't see or sense, something even her own mother Ursa was blind too. Lao went over all the details of the statue again, asking the students to imagine it with their eyes closed. When they arrived to Guan Yin's face however she saw another one, much more disturbing, the face of Ursa and heard her voice and her lies again.

"Go away." she spoke firmly, silently yet with clear determination.

"Azula, I love you." the vision of Ursa spoke. Now the image in Azula's head was completely that of her own mother, in all it's vivid and disconcerting detail.

"I'm not interested in your lies mother, go away." she spoke again, this time a little louder.

The vision kept repeating her words, ever louder and more desperately. Azula tried chasing her away but the image stayed, she even opened her eyes yet she could still see it.

"Just go!"

This time, her words were clearly audible and it attracted attention. The other students looked at her. Lao raised his hand when he noticed some of them were about to get up. He approached Azula who sensed his presence. "Can you see her, make her go away." Lao was unperturbed by the baffled look of the other students. He knew what his new charge was asking for and what he had to do.

"I'm afraid I don't see her as clearly as you... but I can clearly sense her presence. What is she wearing?"

"The formal reds of our nation."

"Ah, I do notice it now. She looks quite like you, the family resemblance is very clear."

"I don't care if I got her beauty, she never gave me what I truly wanted from her."

Lao put his hand firmly on Azula's shoulder, he could sense her shaking. He spoke:

"Mother of Avida, why do you come to disturb your daughter in this sacred place? Why do you do this to her? If you have any true love for her you would know that you failed her and that the kindest thing to do would be to leave her in peace."

"She doesn't care, she just wants to bring me down with her lies."

Lao put his other hand on her other shoulder and held her down gently yet firmly.

"If you haven't come to apologize then you are not welcome. Your daughter has a new family now, the family you didn't provide, be happy for her and do us all a kindness and leave. She can't forgive you and I will not ask her to do so unless you cooperate."

Azula breathed heavily yet Lao could sense she was calming down. "Avida." he said. "Look at the statue of your true mother again, take a long look and then look back to me or the wall."

She did as she was told, she looked at Guan Yin for a long time, then when she finally felt calmed down by her presence she looked around and saw the faces of her fellows full of compassion and concern, especially the one of Maitri.

"She's gone." Azula breathed with relief.

"Good" Lao removed his hands from her and spoke to his wife: "Please take Avida to her room, take good care of her. I will come after we are wrapped up her."

Maitri came and picked up Azula gently and led her by her hand to the common rooms and placed her on her bed.

"I didn't want to ruin your meditation."

"It's OK." Maitri said, placing a hand on Azula's arm: "Me and Lao knew from the beginning that it might be hard for you, I'm sure the other students will want to come to see you and wish you well."

"What did I do to deserve this, why are they doing it? Why are you and Lao doing it? Why is your goddess the way she is?"

"You mean compassionate? It's really hard to explain but it will be clear to oneself once you start feeling it for others. The very fact you feel sorry for interrupting our exercise shows you have it in you as well. And nobody does anything to deserve it, if the compassion of the Mother and her students were conditioned on what you do or do not it wouldn't be the wonderful and mysterious thing that it is. I believe you felt the compassion we all have for you, perhaps you feel it for the first time truly and unbound and that's why you can't believe it. I hope you can one day trust me and Lao."

"I want to believe you but I swear if you let me down I'll..."

"I'll never forgive myself either if we somehow managed to betray you and threw you back in the pit of suffering." Maitri said. "I want you to have something, to show you that I mean it, I usually always carry it with me. It was a gift from Lao on our wedding day, I think you now need it much more than me."

She picked a small item from her pocket and put in Azula's hands who looked at it curiously. It was a miniature of Guan Yin.

"Whenever you see the image that haunts you take a good look at the statue of the Mother and remember that Lao and me will be there to chase it away. I hope one day soon when you close your eyes you will see the mother who loves us all instead of the mother who neglected you. Now please try to rest."

Azula closed her eyes and grasped the miniature firmly in her hands. Sleep soon overcame her and in her dream she could faintly yet pleasantly see the image of Guan Yin with a face she was now certain she would come to regard with pleasure, Maitri's.


	14. Compassion

Azula opened her eyes and looked around, it was somewhat darker than in the noon hour. She soon saw Maitri sitting besides her on a stool reading a book. "How long was I out?"

Maitri quickly discarded her reading material and leaned in towards her charge with her typical smile but with eyes full of tender concern: "A few hours I would say. Everyone came to see you, I told them you needed your rest. But some of them left you trinkets, Shen even brought you flowers from his personal garden, says their smell and sight is health improving. Isn't that really sweet of him?"

Azula sat up on her bed and saw a bouquet of white, red and blue flowers neatly arranged on her bedside. They did smell and look quite nice... not that she cared about these things. Still... She then looked at Maitri and said:

"I suppose... does he suffer from an even worse kind of compassion fever than the rest of you people?"

Maitri couldn't help but snicker heartily with her hand before her mouth: "You are not very used to the attention of boys, are you?"

Azula looked down for a quick moment: "No, they usually run away from me when I approach them or stay far away from me in the first place. Someone once told me I intimidate them."

"Well, Shen might not look like it on first sight but he's actually a very brave and strong young man."

"Was he a soldier in the war?"

"No, but he used to make his living by hunting fierce and wild animals until his mother made him join us. I guess he really enjoys the thrill of a good chase."

Azula didn't quite know what to make of Maitri's words, she at once felt flattered and insulted: "So what if he catches me, will he try taming me and make me his pet or just eat me up?"

"Well he does have quite a reputation in the village but I'm sure he'd never do something that would make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe."

Azula was reminded of Ty Lee's romance novels she of course never read and wondered if that was the way they started.

"He better not, Lao told me he'd hurt him if he ever hurt me. But... suppose... I wanted to play this game with him, how should I start?"

"Don't you worry too much about your part, allow him the pleasure of winning you over. Besides, I'll be around to help you two out. This kind of game isn't for just two people, I myself had help when I fell for Lao."

Azula couldn't deny her sense of relief at Maitri's words just as she could no longer really deny the part of herself that craved these kind of things.

"Speaking of him, where is he?"

"He's preparing everything for the evening meal and the meditation."

Azula started leaving her bed at those words but Maitri stopped her. "No, you need to rest some more, I don't want you to overexert yourself. I will bring you the food and perhaps when you feel better we can do or talk about some exercises together. I just hope you didn't have any nightmares just now."

"No, I suppose your little gift helped, in my dreams I saw Guan Yin."

Maitri's eyes brightened with excitement: "That's wonderful Avida, I really do hope her image will replace the image that bothers you so. Just keep practicing until it becomes a permanent and irreversible change."

"I'd be a fool if I stopped now, getting rid of her was why I came here."

"But even if she dares coming back, remember, me, Lao, the rest, we'll take care of it. You can stay with us as long as you feel the need."

"I don't think I have anywhere else to go but there is something I really want to do too. I want to see someone and I don't think you can help me with that."

Maitri listened keenly: "Perhaps we can. If you want to see someone there are other means than just seeing them in person."

"What do you mean?"

"The Mother's teachings are immeasurable. One of her ancient techniques is contacting people you love through their dreams."

Had Azula not witnessed for herself the power of Guan Yin to chase away her demon she would have considered Maitr's words absurd but now she was way more than just curious. She asked for details.

Maitri spoke: "The technique is connected to the exercise of sending peace to the person you care about and you have to stay aware of yourself while you sleep. Both practices are very advanced but they are far from impossible to achieve. I'm of course not as good as Lao in them but I'll teach you what I know."

Azula opened her ears as far as she could trying to catch every word and store it in her memory. Perhaps now she could have her other desire as well, to see her father again, to help him and most important of all confront him on the still painful wound, the fact that he left her alone when she needed him the most.


	15. True Power

Days later, Azula set together with Lao again in his hut, brush in hand and scrolls before her, one for reading and one for copying. She hadn't written anything in a long time but she was pleasantly surprised how good her handwriting still was, almost perfect to be precise. Almost wasn't good enough in her mind though, there was room for improvement. Lao had given her an important task and she wanted to prove to him worthy of it. He did notice her occasional mistakes and sloppiness and corrected her on that but overall he seemed pleased, which gave her a feeling of satisfaction. It has been a long time since she felt this kind of a sense of approval from someone else. What was even more important to her mind however was that she would not only copy the text to paper but also the content into her memory. Lao was right, the text was quite fascinating, different from the books of wisdom of the Fire Nation.

"I think I now understand why you are making me read this, you do want to help me restore my power?"

Lao responded in a serious tone: "If by that you mean deposing your brother then no, I will not lead my students into a civil war for your sake." After those words his tone softened: "But I do want to help you gain another, much more important kind of power, the power to be respected and liked by your peers regardless of your title and position in society. I can only imagine how much it must have hurt you to lose that but that doesn't mean that you are now left with nothing."

This time Azula didn't allow her doubts to take over, she had confidence that her teacher meant every word: "I do have you now, and Maitri."

Lao smiled: "Don't forget the others. What I mean to say is that a title might command respect while it lasts but respect itself will always command respect, and love will inspire love."

Azula was born into privilege, born into a title, she had the divine right to rule as her father would say. But now she was deposed and hunted. She remembered the one time on Ember Island when she hid her identity as well and tried, out of curiosity to see if she could mingle with the commoners, see if they would love Azula and not just the princess. She remembered how painfully she failed at that but now she had a handbook for success and a patient teacher willing to train her in the contents. She decided that some words of gratefulness and respect were in order.

"I feel lucky to have found you, master."

Lao was moved. "Perhaps it was destiny. The ways of that force are often difficult to understand but we have to work with it what we get."

Azula sighed and paused for a long moment before she spoke: "I always thought my destiny was to be Fire Lord but it seems I was wrong. I sat on that throne for a few days but never in my life I felt less safe, I saw enemies everywhere where my allies should have been. I banished all around me and when my brother Zuko came for me, I had to face him alone."

Lao pondered his answer carefully while he listened. The more he got to know her on a personal level the more compassion and responsibility he was starting to feel:

"I will not go to war against him but should he ever come here to imprison you again I will hide you, I will defend you."

Azula looked at him with eyes of both hope and doubt.

"I know you cannot trust my compassion alone on this matter so take this as my debt to you. You are the one who avenged the memory of my son and for that I will be forever grateful." He could see and sense his charge's doubt vanish upon speaking those words.

She spoke: "I always thought you had to scare people into following you but betrayal taught me that there's no guarantee of loyalty in that. I think I'm starting to understand, you want to show me a different way, a better way."

"Indeed, I believe a great destiny awaits you. Being a ruler isn't the only way to make an impact, the only way to leave a legacy."

"I believe I now understand why we haven't met before, Hakuin of Guan Island, my father would have never approved you teaching me these things and I wouldn't have listened."

"I served both your father and your grandfather loyally and everything I ever taught and did was for the betterment of our nation. Am I sad that I was so often ignored and rejected for it, yes, but I never gave up and I will not give up on you now that you're here with me."

"So you have reservations about my father?"

"Maitri told me everything, how you wish well to him in meditation and how you want to contact him in your dreams. I do admit I still think Iroh would have been the better ruler had he not abandoned us but I know and I can clearly sense how important you father is to you. The love and compassion you have for him proves to me beyond doubt that you are not the monster you think of yourself as. It's a beautiful thing that can be built upon. I will help."

"I'm still seeing only glimmers and pieces of him when I sleep and I doubt he can see or sense me."

"Keep practicing. That's my advice, the technique works but like all good things it requires training. Speaking of that, I think it is time we go to lunch. You did well enough for now, the scroll is progressing, I thank you."

Azula felt indeed hungry and she was starting to look forward to seeing a certain someone. Someone who was starting to occupy her mind more and more. How that came to be she was still unsure but the memory of how it started was fresh.


	16. A Spark of Love

It was the morning of the third day of Azula's stay with Lao, she sat in the common room with the other students for breakfast. She sat among the students, no longer on Lao's right for she was no longer just a guest but now part of the community. The students didn't sit according to seniority as she assumed but according to agreement. They would however switch places with each other from time to time to get to know each other better and not make anyone feel left out. On her left and right set her roommates from the beds next to her in the sleeping room, Jhana and Mudita.

She learned that Jhana's name meant Joy and Mudita's Compassion and that they were both medics in the Fire Nation colonial armies. Jhana was about Maitri's age, Mudita a few years older and they both remembered her when she just came. Said she was distrustful and easy to anger but that she gradually became her true self, the Maitri Azula got to know. They also revealed that they were the maids of honor at her wedding with Lao, it was them who helped them get together. That of course meant that they instantly noticed Shen's flowers and soon started a lengthy discussion about their various healing properties, and, how sweet it was of him to bring them. Azula wondered if they were jealous of the attention she received but they only smiled, snickered and gave her knowing looks and wished her well. Was this how older siblings reacted when something good happened to the younger one?

She looked to the other side of the table for Shen but tried not to make it obvious. He came a bit late, their eyes soon met and he smiled. She tried not looking away first this time but some unknown force made that impossible. She also noticed that her lips curved as well, almost against her will. Meditation started soon afterwards and she wished well to her "enemy" again, this time knowing his name. As the students were dispersing she looked around for him and found him leaving. She froze up, was it really her place and duty to follow him? It was one thing to feel disconcerted about his presence but now to be too shy to call him by his name was another thing. Perhaps he would soon come back she thought but she had important business to do with Lao later on so she swallowed hard and called him by his name, and was unpleasantly surprised by how high pitched her voice sounded. However, he stopped in his tracks, smiled again towards her and approached.

"Avida."

"Shen."

"You look well today. I hope you enjoyed class."

For some reason, Azula suddenly found it pretty difficult to answer such a simple question. She however remembered something very interesting that Lao spoke about, that compassion and love remove fear. That the people we genuinely wish well for cannot for long remain the same people we are scared off. We might become afraid for their well being but that's another matter. She found the courage speak.

"It was pleasant. I...I... the flowers, they are from your garden?"

"One of my personal past times. Glad you like them."

"They are, well, I suppose, fine... if you are into those things."

Shen laughed. For a second Azula was afraid he was mocking her but in his eyes she saw no sign of denigration. Just the usual look of his she found so hard to endure.

"So what kind of things are you into?"

"I... I heard you were a hunter. What kind of animals did you hunt?"

Shen smirked: "I haven't hunted in a while but if there's a bounty for a wild beast I'll catch it and bring you its head."

From stories she heard that her grandfather was a dragon slayer and that he brought a dragon's head to her grandmother as a courtship gift. She couldn't help but imagine Shen doing the same for her now. Too bad dragons were now extinct. She noticed herself losing herself in this train of thought so she said:

"I'll do it!"

He looked at her with curiosity: "Do what?"

"I'll... I'll watch you work. When I'm done with Lao first of course. Master Lao!"

He seemed pleased at the mention of his teacher's title: "Good! I have some errands to run first. Meet me at the gate of the dojo after lunch meditation and I'll show you where we grow the food."

Azula felt relieved for a moment now that the meeting was arranged. Maitri said she should just allow herself to be won over but it felt like hard work. Diplomatic meetings sure felt very easy in comparison.

She knew she had to go to Lao's hut now, he was probably waiting. However, she hoped she would meet Maitri for a moment too, ask her what to do next. She didn't have to search for very long.

"I didn't want to intrude but it was so cute to watch you both." she said.

"You spied on us?"

"Please, don't call it like that. It was just me keeping an eye on you. I did give you a promise of help, didn't I? How could I possibly help if I'm not in the loop?"

"So, great and wise older sister, what should I do?"

Maitri came closer and put her arm on Azula's: "Relax, do what you told him, watch him work. If you are impressed by what he does, let him know. That will impress him. He was with many girls but only very few had the patience to watch and appreciate the hard work he puts into all his little gifts."

Azula nodded thankfully, asked a few questions about those other girls to witch Maitri replied that they were no danger to her. She listened and made her mental notes. She wanted to know about them more because she wanted to know what Shen saw in her. Perhaps he would one day reveal it himself. One day soon she hoped.


	17. First Contact

Almost two weeks have passed. It had become pleasant routine. Azula would sit at Lao's table and dutifully copy his scroll. Carefully reading it and even more carefully writing down its content to the fresh paper. Lao told her something very valuable about the art of calligraphy, something she disregarded back then with her original writing teacher. Perfection in art isn't achieved through aiming for perfection itself but by doing it just right in just the right moment. She had tried her best to impress Lao but the harder she tried the more mistakes she was starting to make. Instead he told her to surrender to the moment but not blindly, mindfully. She learned to observe the movement of her hands, the weight of the brush, the feel of paper touching ink, to write the words not like a mere copycat but as if they were coming from her own mind.

She felt herself completely absorbed in the activity. Sometimes the higher purpose of it almost didn't seem to matter, she enjoyed it for its own sake. Later on she found herself able to recite the words from memory. It came in handy when she didn't know what to say in a conversation or start a topic. Jhana and Mudita would listen the most, sometimes out of sheer politeness, sometimes with genuine interest.

Back at home she often heard that the Earth Kingdom was a nation of savages, foolishly resisting a superior civilization, now she saw the enemy from the inside and understood the source of their fierce strength. For a hundred years the Fire Nation had taken that nations physical bounty, they should have taken its mind too. Perhaps the war would have been won much sooner that way. Azula would often ask Lao about the meaning or his opinion on a certain passage and he would patiently and joyfully discuss it with her. She would sometimes forget to concentrate on his words, just observe his excitement. Was this how he discussed the scroll with his son too?

Most of all she couldn't resist trying to impress Shen with a quotation of two. Whether he always understood the significance was another matter but he listened with the same patience as she would bring in watching his activities.  
On their first meeting he showed her the garden, it was quite big. After all, it was supposed to feed an entire community and even help out the village from time to time. He carefully led her through the fields, even offering his hand which she refused. She was a skilled acrobat after all and even without her battleboots she found it quite easy to balance on uneven ground. They came to rest at a passage that Shen said he needed to work on. He took a spade from the hut nearby and invited her to sit on a smooth rock nearby. She wasn't sure how to start a conversation. When asked about it Maitri said just say something small and random and let the rest develop

„So are you working these fields alone? There is quite a lot of them?"

„Not always but I like to do it myself. Lao and Maitri say the food was good before but it became excellent after I started working on it. They say I have a secret way with the ground and the plants."

„So what is this great secret of yours?"

Shen looked her straight in the eye with a slight smirk and said: „Love, the secret is love."

Azula laughed: „How lame. Isn't that what every housewife says about her cooking?"

„Oh, I know many a housewife here who'd sell me her daughter for my vegetables. Actually, some even did."

She didn't know how to directly respond so she decided to deflect:

„For a moment I thought you'd tell me you're secretly an earthbender or something like that."

„Oh, but I am." said Shen absolutely nonchalantly.

„Please, just get to work. Show me what you do those plants or whatever."

So he started working, as the minutes passed and the labor intensified the heat of the sun became harder to bear. After a while, Shen decided to take off his shirt. He wasn't just strongly built but really well defined. Azula couldn't help but notice. This time an opposite problem emerged, she couldn't bring herself to look away.

He noticed and smiled inwardly yet a small smirk couldn't escape him.

The longer Azula looked the more she wondered. Such a physique couldn't have come from hard work alone, he must have been a bender too. In her fanciful moments she had always imagined herself with someone strong, someone whose bending could match hers. The curiosity about Shen's prowess began gnawing at her until she finally said:

„Show me your bending!"

Shen stopped his digging and looked at her: „You want me to show you what?"

„Your bending. Just a quick demonstration. I want to see it."

He came closer until they were only steps away from each other: „Are you really really sure?"

Azula pouted: „What a dumb question, I said do it."

As soon as she was done speaking she felt the rock underneath her suddenly rise up. The force of this unexpected lift threw her straight towards Shen, right into his arms.

„Happy now?"

Still in his embrace she looked up and stammered: „You... you really are..."

With a laugh he responded: „I told you, didn't I?"

He let her go. She dusted herself and looked at him with bewilderment.

„How come you're not with your people, the war is over?"

„And this village is still my home, why would I leave it for a land I don't know?"

She knew that in the colonies there were lots of Earth Kingdom people living under the authority of the Fire Nation as second class citizens but she never dreamed she would ever be so... intimate with one.

On the other hand, she had worked with and respected the Dai Li, the group of earthbenders that helped her take their capitol. Perhaps Shen could prove valuable on her side as well. She had to think about it though.

She said her goodbyes to him soon after and went to her room to rest, yet his image wouldn't so easily leave her head.

What would Maitri do?


	18. Chances and Identity

"Why didn't you tell me?" Azula asked in a demanding tone. After some search and questions she found Maitri near her and Lao's home arranging firewood. She stopped her activity and turned to her charge.

"Tell you what?" she asked in a surprised yet still friendly tone.

"About Shen. That he's..."

"Good with women? I think I strongly implied that. Did you experience it for yourself today?" she asked mischievously.

"No, not that!... I mean yes! it was nice I suppose... He held me in his arms for a moment and..." Azula noted with frustration that she was letting herself get distracted. "Why didn't you tell me he's an earthbender!?"

Maitri's smile faded and she took up a serious stance yet she spoke tenderly: "I suppose I should have told you but I didn't want you to be prejudiced against him. He had enough of that in his life. You're not the only one deserving compassion and the teachings of the mother were never supposed to be for our people alone. I just thought you deserved the chance to be with someone nice, someone who might make you happy, no matter his parentage."

"The others know as well?"

"Yes, and they had reservations about him as well but Lao convinced them all to give him a chance. After all, when the war ended he stayed here in the colonies. He chose us and I don't want him to regret that choice. Does it really bother you so much?"

Azula looked inward for a moment and considered everything that happened with Shen, the fact that she worked with earthbenders before and the fact that she was copying a scroll of their wisdom now. She finally said:

"My father would never approve."

"I know you care a lot about him and you desire his happiness... but consider yours too before you make a decision."

Azula kept silent and it was starting to soon become uncomfortable for Maitri so she continued:

"I have to confess something to you my dear and I hope you will not be angry with me for not telling you earlier. I know who you are and who your father is, Azula."

Her eyes widened with shock as she listened to those words.

"How? When? Does..."

"Lao doesn't know that I know but I figured it out. You seemed familiar from the moment I saw you. I'm from the capital, I think I even saw you once or twice while living there. When you mentioned your uncle it clicked for me. Don't mention him by name in the future or others might find out too."

"Why are you telling me this?" she demanded with strained patience. Maitri took her hand into hers and spoke:

"Because, had I just gone by the stories that you were nothing but a depraved madwoman we wouldn't be speaking together now. I gave you a chance and gained a friend. That's why I want you to be open as well, give him a chance and experience the truth for yourself."

After those words she let go and allowed Azula to gather her thoughts. They soon parted though, but with a smile. She knew she needed to give her friend space but she trusted that she would eventually make the right decision.

That night Azula dreamed, wide awake and saw the first glimmers and pieces of her father, alone in his cell, restless and miserable. She tried calling him but he didn't seem to react to her words. Instead she tried wishing him well but she lost the image of him soon after. She tried getting back to him but didn't succeed.

Not knowing what to do she started inwardly praying to Guan Yin for guidance and soon saw the image of the goddess, again bearing Maitri's face. She had the same look of tenderness and compassion as when she spoke to her earlier, calling her her friend. Azula allowed the pleasantness of the image to soother her and she fell into a deep slumber. Towards the end of her sleep she saw the smiling face of Shen.

Upon waking up she knew what Maitri would do but more importantly what she would do.

Allow herself a chance to be happy.


	19. Search and Escape

"And, did you achieve it?" Zhurin asked: "Happiness?"

"Eventually yes, but it would take more time and effort and luck." Azula said.

"Did it happen with Shen?" Zhurin added with a wide grin. It was amazing how at ease she was starting to feel around Azula, around Karuna especially and around most other students. Sometimes she took it too far but most genuinely rejoiced in her more liberated attitude, it was like a heavy chain was lifted from her. What Karuna said to Zhurin held true, that you need good people around you to feel good... but she also added that you have to take the effort to be good yourself in order to enjoy the benefit.

"You're really curious about that, aren't you?" Azula said with a knowing grin.

"Forgive me master. Please, I didn't mean to." she blushed. She still had issues distinguishing when people were upset with her and when they were just joking. It still showed to Azula that Zhurin had reverence for her and she appreciated it. That was among the reasons why she was willing to go into such detail about her past for her, and it seemed to benefit her charge.

"It's OK. You're naturally curious about those things like most girls your age... and I will tell you in time, it's a longer story after all."

Zhurin calmed down and said: "Thank you. It's just that hearing these stories before from people around me would make me depressed. People who never understood or cared how I felt, who made it sound all too easy and wondered what's wrong with me, why I can't just get over myself. I tried, believe me."

"Ah, the old advice of hating yourself into a better you. I gave that advice to my own brother countless times in word and deed, no wonder he hated me."

Zhurin laughed for a moment but then said: "I'm sorry about your brother. Mine is the only person who made me not feel like a burden. Without him I would still be stuck in the hospital instead of being here with you. Speaking of those, I was curious for a long time but didn't dare asking, who liberated you? Did you escape for yourself. How did it happen?

Azula sighed, Zhurin was indeed a bold one now. It was one of her less pleasant memories but it wasn't the first time she told the story. She told Lao and Maitri, why not to Zhurin?

"I wish I had managed to escape myself, with my own wits and strength... but I was lacking in both of those and I was too well guarded, most the time there I spent in a straightjacket with my feet bound together as well."

Zhurin's expression saddened: "Me too. They were afraid I would try hurting myself. I did want to die, only my brother's letters kept me alive."

"I didn't receive a single one, not from my friends, not from Zuko... until one day he just showed up, dressed as the Fire Lord, splendid in all his newfound might, coming to see his little sister, his lowly prisoner, to offer her something. The possibility of a pardon, but only if I helped him with something. For some reason he deducted that I knew where our mother was... he was right though, I did know where to start looking. My father showed me when I asked one time. She was his first and only but it turns out he wasn't hers. She had a boyfriend before their marriage to each other was arranged. They were very young and their parents strict so they never consummated their love but their feelings for each other were strong. So strong in fact that she never grew to love my father, in fact she hated him... and she hated me for being like him. I knew that in the night she disappeared she went back to her home to find her lover and they moved away together to some even more remote place. We found it eventually, me, Zuko, the Avatar and his friends. They were there to make sure I cooperated and didn't try to escape. However, as we were approaching their house I saw a little girl playing outside it, she had my eyes and similar hair."

"I'm really sorry to hear that. It must have been..."

"The knowledge that my own mother not only abandoned but replaced me. I couldn't bear it. I just knew in that moment that I never wanted to see that woman again in my life or hear her lying voice... so I used a moment of inattention by my enemies and ran. I ran as far and as fast as I could. They chased me but I hid. My brother shouted around for me, even begged me to stay and reconsider but I kept still. I eventually stowed away on a ship and made my way to the colonies, hoping to hide forever. The visions I had however, I couldn't escape. Not until I found Lao."

Zhurin listened. The story must have stirred some bad memories about her own parents as well, Azula could sense it. She then did something unexpected. She threw herself in her master's arms and hugged her. She hugged her back but said:

"It's OK. This old wound is long mended. Now please let me go, it's really inappropriate."

Zhurin reacted as she was told and let go. "I just wanted to..."

"Show compassion? I know, but manners matter too... I have something for you though that will make you happy. There is a letter from your brother, he's coming to visit."

Zhurin's entire being lit up in joy in an instant.

"I can't wait to see him again. There is so much I can tell him, so much I can show. I hope he will be proud of me."

"He will, I made sure of that after all."


	20. Being the Goddess

As she was preparing to teach Zhurin and the others Azula looked back at the day she received the teaching from Lao. She was warned on that day by her friends Jhana and Mudita that it would be his most powerful exercise yet. It was the early morning and she was wide awake after a pleasant sleep. The bed she had in the common room was of course not comparable to that in the palace but it sure was way better than being tied down to it. On her bedside she had Shen's flowers in a vase. She would hold Maitri's figurine in her hand as she sank into sleep and she would carry it around with her wherever she went. She hadn't told Lao yet that she had it nor did she tell Maitri so far that when she imagined the Mother she saw her. She wondered what their reaction would be, something weird and compassionate probably. It had time.

Lao spoke and she listened eagerly and attentively:

"Today my fellow students, friends, we are going to do an exercise that the previous ones have been leading up to. An exercise that will strengthen your practice and strengthen you. So far you've been wishing well to others and yourself and trying to see the Mother clearly before you with your inner eye. Today we are going to combine these two practices for the greater benefit of both."

As the days went by Azula felt more and more comfortable with both practices. She was starting to feel a sense of pride and achievement, something she strived for all her life. Something she had believed lost in her darkest moments. She had wondered whether her new friends were performing the practice of wishing well for her and she even awkwardly asked some of them... but not Shen, not him! They all replied positively. Her mind had calmed with a sense of great relief after the vision was gone and with her heart she was beginning to sense something too, faintly at first but slowly growing stronger. It was new and unfamiliar and as painfully pleasant as the feeling she had the first night when she tried wishing well to herself and later to Lao. But she knew she didn't want to lose it.

As she breathed deeply and focused on Lao's words and presence and that of the others she remembered her own words: "Trust is for fools, fear is the only reliable way." Perhaps she was a fool, but perhaps she was taking a calculated risk. She swore to herself with passion that all would pay dear if they betrayed or abandoned her but she prayed with even greater passion that this day would never come.

Lao continued: "I hope by now you can see the Mother clearly before you in all her majesty and grace and feel, at least for a moment, the great love she has for us all. Strengthened and equipped with this image I want you to go even a step further. Today you are going to imagine you were her. Perhaps this request is strange and unusual, perhaps some of the men here even have issue with imagining themselves as a woman. But I tell you two things. First, the Mother walked as a man countless times in countless previous lives. In her final incarnation however she realized her own true nature and that of others. Where others only saw form, man or woman, beast, spirit or human, she saw the truth. The truth of suffering and how to end it. This very focus on form alone is what keeps us stuck. We are all infected by the perception that we are all separate islands onto ourselves, that we have nothing in common with others. Yet we all crave connection with those very separate others. I tell you now this connection is already there, always present, we just need eyes to see it, the Mother's eyes. Which brings me to point number two, the Mother's nature. We are all blessed with it. It's the fundamentally good part of us that might be obscured by illusion but which can never be destroyed, not even in a thousand lifetimes in Hell. It however craves expression and imagining yourself as the being who expresses it most fully will help do exactly that. Therefore I will now ask you, my friends, to imagine each point of the Mother's image with your inner eye but this time feel it on your body, imagine it were you. Enlightenment isn't something only others posses or something separate from you, it is you."

Lao spoke slowly and carefully yet his eagerness and passion shone through every syllable. Azula tried to absorb it all yet he was right, the request was indeed unusual yet the promise of it's benefit was great. She wondered by what set of circumstance this man could arrive to such beliefs, by what proof he came to this conviction that all were worthy of not just receiving blessings from Guan Yin but to be her. She would ask, she would ask much more too. Some questions were starting to burn on her soul. But for now she would follow instructions. In her nights and waking moments she could already see the goddess pretty clearly in her imagination. Now, she tried imagining wearing her clothes and garments at first. After a while she felt a familiar feeling, she felt royal and majestic but it wasn't exactly the same as back in the palace. Somehow it felt even... better, more natural and beautiful. Lao gave her and the others much time to focus.

"Now, that we have established ourselves in her image we are going to do what the Mother does for us all, pray for all beings. Starting with ourselves we are going even a step further. We are going to imagine ourselves as a child. For in all of us there is an inner child we are bound to take care of. A child that needs and craves our care and love. We are now going to give exactly that love to that child. Imagine it and speak the words and when you are ready, hug it."

Azula now imagined herself. From the family portraits and her memories of seeing herself in the mirror she could see herself being little with relative ease. Some images however came on their own. She saw herself playing with Zuko, Mai and Ty Lee. She saw her mother and... she heard the word she dreaded and hated so much: monster. She now saw her little self in a dark prison cell, shouted at and denigrated by familiar voices. Her child self cried and shouted "mother"!

Guan Yin.

Azula had a mother. Not Ursa, but a greater, more loving and more true one and she was there to help. And not just her, she had Lao, Maitri, the others. Even Shen she wagered. She still didn't understand how they could see something good in her when her wise uncle, her own family and friends didn't. She remembered Maitri's words that compassion was a gift freely given and now in this moment of challenge, in this moment of truth she decided to make use of it. With the strength of the great Mother she now gave to herself what her own mother denied her. The cell disappeared, the voices stopped, the environment was light and in bloom and she could see her child self smiling. She hugged her.

She didn't mind if anyone now saw her tears.

-to be continued


	21. Heroes and Villains

Lao said: "I sense a change in you Azula, even greater than usual. The exercise must have suited you. Do you wish to talk about it?"

"It did, and I do." she responded, brush in hand. "There are things however that I don't understand and I need to understand them, now!"

Lao signaled to her to put down the brush and the scroll, those things however pleasant had time. He sensed by her tone that her questions could truly no longer wait and he prepared himself for it inwardly. He said: "Why don't we start with the simplest one, that's usually a good strategy?"

Azula closed her eyes and breathed in for a moment: "The name Avida, why did you choose it for me?"

"Because I wanted to teach you something important through it and that is, just because you don't know it doesn't mean you're defective. We all suffer from ignorance of our true nature and the other two poisons of anger and greed. But even those three hindrances can be turned to useful tools towards liberation and none of those things mean that we are undeserving of compassion and love."

Azula again listened carefully, observing Lao's movement and reaction as he spoke. The words compelled her to ask more.

"So are there things that do make one undeserving of compassion and love?" Everything now hanged on Lao's answer.

"In the eyes of men there are countless, in the eyes of the Mother there are none. Even if you sinned against her directly she would still pray for you and find it in her heart to forgive. For she knows that every sin ultimately hurts the sinner. She's happy when we are happy and she's hurt when we are hurt. She took it upon herself to bear the suffering of the world and guide us to a way out. Even the spirits of war admired her for that courage."

Azula couldn't help but admire her too now. As the promise says, her way is unsurpassable, what courage it must take to walk it to the end? She always considered herself brave, fearless even but faced with this challenge... she had to ask more. She was starting to sense for herself this great love and its power but she had to know where it came from.

"This power that you speak of, how did she achieve it?"

"It was most likely the result of effort and dedication over many different lifetimes, accumulated knowledge and experience. What happened in the moment of her enlightenment is very hard to describe but I'm confident you will achieve it for yourself too. I understand your doubts, I did not quite believe my parents when they explained it to me either but they urged me to have faith, and I urge you to have this faith too. You will see it."

She swore to herself not to be surprised by Lao any more yet here he was, speaking with full confidence in his voice of her achieving a power that seemed beyond human. She felt she could no longer live in doubt about this man so she asked:

"Why are you so confident that you can fix me? The doctors and nurses at the asylum tried and declared me hopeless. What's your secret?"

Lao's eyes saddened but he went on to speak in a tone both caring and completely serious: "Because I'm not trying to fix you. You are not broken. I'm merely watering the seed that's already within you. I'm helping you live out what you've always been capable of but might not have known, to love and be loved."

Maitri, Jhana, Mudita, Shen, they all came to Azula's mind: "They love Avida, not Azula."

"They might not know your true name but they are starting to sense the true you. At the moment, I don't want the reputation of your old life to obscure and hinder your new one. One day they will be ready to find out and on that day they will neither see the princess nor the madwoman but only their friend."

"I want to accept your words Lao, I want to believe in all of this but I have to know whether you know who I truly am and what I've done. I tortured my prisoners, I've hurt and tormented my brother all my life, I've tried killing him numerous times. I have shot fire at my uncle and later imprisoned him. I almost killed my closest friends because they chose my brother over me. I even plotted the complete destruction of the Earth Kingdom and I did it all without hesitation, at times coldly, at times with relish. I also..."

Lao listened carefully as Azula confessed, his expression unreadable. As she was speaking she noticed and when she was done she said in a taunting tone:

"What is it master? Are you shocked? Are you sad your hero is actually a villain?"

"You're human Azula, that's what you are to me, and that's truly what you are at the core. What you told me is a sad and disturbing story indeed but I tell you this. Nothing you say or reveal will shake my conviction that you deserve happiness not hell nor make me renegade on my promise to help you. I cannot however absolve you, only the people you've hurt have the right to forgive you. What I can do is show you a path away from hurting and being hurt."

Azula's eyes were teary, there truly was someone in this world who accepted her, who genuinely offered her care and love despite her being a monster. She spoke:

"If my brother or the Avatar ever find me here I'm going to jail for the rest of my life and you might suffer too because you hid me."

"I'll take that risk. There is indeed justice in punishment but like I told you when we first met, I don't believe anyone has to suffer forever, not even you. Besides, if we speak of villainy I'm not whitewashed either. I killed countless people on the battlefield. I still hear their cries and see their agonized faces as they burned. As a commander I ordered the death of prisoners and deserters, raided villages. Many nights I saw grieving families and wondered whether the destiny I swore to save others from wasn't in fact mine. Yet I still fought on and on and never really considered quitting for only victory could have ended that suffering. You might now understand too why I don't want to fight again if possible. No matter how unjust this peace might be it's still peace, a chance to rebuild, to leave something good. Help me in this, be my legacy."

Azula nodded: "I will."

She picked up the brush again and went to work, happy in the knowledge that her life would have the meaning and fulfillment she believed lost.


	22. Dreams of Ozai

It was the deepest night, Azula slept but she was wide awake and aware of herself. Maitri's and Lao's instructions were starting to work, by now she could follow her own dreams with full awareness but not quite control them yet. Yet, however interesting that ability might be it was not the reason she was doing it. She had changed strategies, instead of trying to call out her father the moment she saw him she started attempting to build a silent yet strong connection. She could see him and sense his painful nightmares, was he reliving the moment the Avatar defeated him the way she used to relive the day she was defeated too? As soon as she was able to clearly see him she started performing the exercises she learned and practiced while awake. She used all her power, all the Mother's power, to send him as much peace and comfort as she could. Slowly, she began seeing a change. Instead of turning around her lay peacefully, with a small smile on his face. This went on for several nights, she just calmly and joyfully observed him. Though still pained by his fate she was proud she could help him in at least this little way. Finally, she couldn't resist going the next step. She called him out:

"Father. Can you hear me?"

No reply, but he stirred for a bit.

"Fire Lord Ozai!" This time a reply came, one she wasn't prepared for.

"Mom."

How could he possibly see... her grandmother Ilah died in childbirth, he only knew her from pictures and stories. Then it started to make sense. She had not only used Guan Yin's power but also imagined herself as her. Was it possible that her father was now seeing the goddess in the image of his own mother?

"No dad, it's me, your daughter."

"Azula!? ... How? Where are you? Where am I?"

"You're dreaming dad, but don't worry, it's real. I'm really here now, I can see and hear you."

"How is this possible? I thought you were..." his incredulity was audible, perhaps he was about to stir awake. Azula had to prevent that and hold fast to the connection. In her hand she held the figurine as firmly as she could.

"Imprisoned and insane? Sadly yes, but I escaped and found allies. They taught me this, taught me how to reach out to you."

"So why I'm still in this cell and not on the throne?" his tone was suddenly impatient and sharp.

"I need time dad. The whole world is against us now, even the Fire Nation. But I wanted to bring you some aid and comfort at least."

"I had never expected this from you Azula." for a moment she hoped he meant that he never expected that she would have this power to reach out to him but something in his tone disturbed her to the core.

"Expected what?"

"That you would be such a disappointment. Losing against Zuko and then losing your mind. I thought I had taught you better, taught you to be strong."

"And I have always listened to you, obeyed everything you ordered me to do, spent every moment becoming a better fighter for your cause."

"So why did you fail? I trusted you."

She could barely bare it, her worst fears were becoming true. But she had to act:

"Why did you leave me alone, I needed you and you needed me. Together we could have defeated both Zuko and the Avatar but you chose to go alone and leave me behind! Why? Answer me!"

"How dare you talk to me like this? The Avatar was mine to deal with and it was your duty to defend the Fire Nation while I fought him and you failed in that. I thought you were strong but I was obviously wrong."

"Dad, please... I have relied on you all my life, I was just so lost without you."

"Excuses, you are beginning to sound like your brother."

"I swear I'll make it right dad, just please, trust me."

"How can I trust someone who lost their mind? You brought such shame on me."

"Please dad, I'm sorry, I really am. Please, forgive me! I'll make it right somehow, I'll redeem myself! I'm your loyal and loving daughter. Please!"

He didn't answer her. She called louder but he remained stoic. She tried calling him out again and again but to no avail. Finally, she felt herself being moved by some other force. She woke up with tears in her eyes.

"Avida, wake up." Jhana said. The room was mostly dark but outside the window twilight was slowly beginning to stir.

"You had a bad dream friend, a very bad one from what I could hear. Sorry if I scared you now but I couldn't let you suffer from some nightmarish vision. I heard you were calling your father, was he in pain?"

As she heard her friends last words she felt the overwhelming urge to cry and to never stop crying but looking at her friend and her caring and concerned eyes reminded her of the fact that she wasn't alone now, that she would never be alone again and that there was hope for her in this world.

"I need to talk to Lao."


	23. Redemption

Lao's hut wasn't very far away from the common rooms but the way to it felt longer, much longer than usual. It was barely light and Azula's legs felt heavy, just like her heart. Jhana took it upon herself to accompany her and she did so wordlessly, which Azula appreciated. Upon finally coming close to Lao's dwelling she noticed someone leaving it she didn't quite expect to see. Usually his presence inspired exciting and confusing feelings in her but now she would rather not have to face him, not in her current state. Shen noticed her as he left, stopped upon coming close to her and spoke:

"Avida, why so early? You look... what's wrong? You seem shaken. Did someone hurt you? I swear I will..."

It was both comforting and scary how well her new friends were able to sense both her happy and less happy states, Lao's abilities in that regard were powerful and it seemed his students really learned a lot from him. As flattering as Shen's promise of protection and revenge was she couldn't bear to open herself in front of him, not under these conditions. She put her hand on his upper arm, smiled a small smile and said:

"I appreciate it. But please, let me talk to Lao first. It will be alright, worry about your vegetables. I think you neglected them too much in favor of me recently."

Shen looked at her, then at Jhana, who just nodded.

"Alright. But if you need me, you know where to find me."

With these words, he left and Azula entered Lao's hut after saying goodbye to Jhana too. She saw that Maitri was also present, they were drinking morning tea. Lao quickly noticed her and just as quickly noticed the look in her eyes. He skipped the usual pleasantries and didn't even wonder why she came to his place so much earlier than normally expected.

"Avida, come sit with us." he invited her to sit between him and Maitri. She looked as concerned as her husband Azula noticed. She sat down between them, turned her attention to Lao and spoke:

"You can call me by my real name, she knows."

Lao looked at Maitri in mild bewilderment. She calmly nodded. With this knowledge and approval secured he continued:

"Azula, tell me what happened." His voice was mild and far from urging. He knew it might take some time for his charge to find the strength to speak but she didn't take to long.

"I did it, I finally did it last night."

"You talked to him?" Maitri said.

Azula nodded. Under normal circumstances Maitri would have jumped with joy and excitement about her friend's success but something obviously must have gone wrong in the last night so she restrained herself.

Lao continued: "What did he say?"

This time Azula took much longer to respond. Something in her mind hoped that if she just didn't say it would make the words go away but it was against her usual nature to indulge in wishful thinking. What happened last night was as real as the tea before her and she had to face that truth:

"He said I was a shameful failure, no better than my brother and that he can't trust me because I lost my mind."

Lao listened carefully with a firm pose as she spoke but upon hearing her words he sighed heavily.

"I guess Iroh was right about him."

"What did he say to you, about him?"

"That he was a very difficult person, very hard to reach out to. That's the kindest way I can describe it."

"Exactly." Maitri interjected: "Perhaps he didn't really mean it. Perhaps he was just too upset about his own suffering. You said in the past days you were able to see him and send him your love and that he seemed peaceful and happy."

Azula noted her friends words, there were only a small comfort. She glanced at both her mentors, her arms still crossed.

"He was seeing his mother, not me when I did the practices for him. When he realized it was me he... he..."

"He let out all his anger and frustration on you." Lao stated.

"You told me love would inspire love and that people were fundamentally good so why? Why did he do it?"

"Sometimes the poison of anger sits deep in a person, sometimes so much so that it obscures their true nature beyond normal recognition. It is still there but it's heavily clouded making them do things that hurt themselves and others, diminishing their capacity to give and receive love. Your father seems to be such a case. It pains me to hear that he responded so cruelly to your honest desire to help him."

"But I did fail him. I wasn't strong enough to stop Zuko. We lost the war because of me."

"Forgive me for asking but how old were you exactly when he put the burden of the entire Fire Nation on your shoulders?"

"Fourteen, why? What difference does that make?"

Lao sighed again and looked away for a moment before turning his attention back to Azula: "You conquered Ba Sing Se and you were an amazing warrior during the war from what I heard but you were a child, you still are one. I think you are wrongfully blaming yourself, it's unfair to expect a child to handle responsibilities under which most adults would crumble and to expect her to do them alone is just..."

"You don't understand, I'm not some little girl, I'm Azula, princess of the Fire Nation. People expected better of me, they expected me to be their perfect leader, an example. Now I'm just an example of disgrace. I need to redeem myself. I need to free my father. I can't stay here anymore."

"The answer is no." Lao said firmly but continued gently: "What you need is to heal, to find happiness."

"I can't be happy knowing my father thinks of me as a disgrace. I appreciate all you did for me but since you said you wouldn't fight Zuko or the Avatar on my behalf I need to do it alone."

"And get imprisoned or killed?! Azula, I cannot let that happen! I promised I would protect you. Apparently, I need to protect you from yourself now. Think about it for a moment, really think. Consider how much pain you would cause to others if you started this fight, especially to your friends. And for what? I know you love your father dearly but he really needs to show you some appreciation and kindness first."

"He will when I redeem myself."

"And then he will take it away once you don't fulfill his expectations again."

"It wont happen again, I wont allow myself to. He has every right to expect all from me and I have no right to disappoint him."

Maitri spoke: "There are better ways to help him than risking your life and freedom. Continue the practice for him, both at night and day, his heart will soften eventually. I will pray for him too and Lao will do so as well. But please, for us, your friends, stay. Continue what you started. We want to see you happy and healthy. You are strong and brave and we want you. You said you never wanted to experience the pain of abandonment again so don't inflict it on us. Stay where you are safe, where you are cared for."

Lao added the following: "Every day you are more and more becoming the person you are meant to be, deserve to be and I'm proud of you. Don't throw it away. I don't want to see you in chains or have your visions come back."

"When you chased away my mother you said I had a new family. I now know you meant it. I will never understand why you have such love and compassion for me but I want to accept it."

"I made it my sworn duty to help the suffering and compassion is the name of the power that can break its cursed cycle of pain and retribution."

"So, the pain I experience, it's retribution for what I've done?"

"Most likely yes. It still doesn't mean you deserve to endure it forever. There is a way to break the cycle and escape it for good. Master Kung described the method well."

"Don't do unto others what you wouldn't be done unto yourself? Treat them the way you would like to be treated?"

Lao smiled proudly: "Exactly. Take that lesson to heart, engrave it there, not just on paper."

"So what about my enemies? I mean real enemies. People who want me dead or jailed. Will they leave me in peace if I started wishing well to them too?"

"Whether you truly want to reconcile with them is up to you and whether you can is up to them but wishing them well too will benefit you."

"Do you wish well to my uncle Iroh too?"

Lao's eyes saddened and became very serious at the same time: "Its the only way I can preserve my soul from being eaten by hatred. But I will need to face him one day in order to find peace. But I will not risk your safety by contacting him, rest assured. Now, if I may ask you, why do you hate your brother so much?"

Azula sunk into contemplation for a while before she could respond: "To be honest. I didn't always. You asked me on our first day whether I wanted to be loved by my mother. I did, but I wasn't. He was. And not just by her, by my uncle, my cousin, my friends. All of them chose him over me in the end. It would have been alright if at least he had treated me differently, but to him I was a monster too. I wanted his love and attention but he was always so focused on outshining me in front of father, and I couldn't let him. There is so much else I..."

She felt Maitri's hand on her shoulder: "It's OK Azula, I think you revealed enough. Unless you feel relieved talking about it."

"You are right, I will talk about it another time. I think I shared enough of my pain for now, you deserve a break too."

"Good, that means you are willing to stay with us. Breakfast will start soon. Perhaps after meditation you will feel even better and we can discuss further as we continue with the scroll."

Azula nodded. She felt conflicted, she really couldn't abandon them after all they did for her. She might have double crossed her enemies before but an ally like Lao and Maitri... On the other hand, she still needed to figure out a way how to help her father. However, her new family's words didn't go without effect, she was really starting to doubt her decision to risk it all to help Ozai.

Perhaps meditation would give her the needed clarity.


End file.
